The Chronicles of Creamer

From 1994 to 1998 I had the honor and privilege to serve my country in the U.S. Army. I was stationed in Fort Drum, NY at the home of 10TH Mountain Division. I have many great memories which include learning completely new ways to curse (many of which include a goat), gaining the ability to sleep any where, and understanding how to ask "have you seen my privates?" without getting into trouble. I also met some interesting folks along the way - SGT. Glemensky, SGT. Moniqueka, SGT. Frosty....and PVT Bobbert Creamer.

I can still remember the day I met Bobbert. I was just getting back to post after being out on leave for a few weeks in SoCal. The first formation of the day and I was called out - FLORES! FALLOUT! You're going to Bosnia and you're taking Creamer with you. Make sure you're both ready. I looked over and saw only what can only be described as a real-life Baby Huey. Creamer stood 6'2, weighed in at 230 lbs and looked like he was 12.

Soon after this introduction I found myself with Bobbert everyday for the next year. I learned more about this kid than any other person I was stationed with during those years. I learned that he was accident waiting to happen and more importantly that if he didn't make me laugh every day, I would have choked him. No one on this planet could make me so mad or make me laugh so hard. His ridiculousness saved him on many occasions.

On that first day that I met Creamer, we had to head to what we called "Old Post." This was the section of Fort Drum that was built during WWII and somehow managed to stay standing. The U.S. Army loved this and turned Old Post into a massive Admin area. Somehow, Creamer and I both had orders cut to Korea and we had to go to Old Post for a briefing. We would never make it to Korea due to the Bosnia conflict, but this was my first one-on-one time with Bobbert. After a mind-numbing briefing in a second-story closed, cramped, frozen room we headed out. On our way down the stairs (out doors) I can see that a pallet was placed into the mud and is now completely a brick of ice. I call back to Bobbert and say "watch your step, Creamer. It's frozen down here." I step off and continue to walk....then I heard it. It sounded like some one had dropped a trash bag full of chili-beans on to the cement.  This was followed by a short, high-piched "DAMMIT!"  Little did I know then that I would be hearing this for years to come.


In order to be deployed, there are a series of tasks that need to be completed. One of the easier tasks is making sure your shots are up to date. Every country has a "shot list" and no matter where you go, you get the GG shot aka the peanut-butter shot. Anyone that has had this can tell you that it hurts like crazy. It is a cold, shrewd, unforgiving shot. Like an ugly Filipino hooker, it does not discriminate. Creamer and I show up and are ready to get this done. The guy that is administering the shot sees that we are about to be deployed so he shows some mercy. He looks at me and says "we can split this shot into two doses. One for each cheek and it wont be so bad." I'm all for that at put my butt in the air. Stick. Stick. A couple of deep knee bends and I'm feeling good. It is now Bobbert's turn. He pulls out one massive cheek - think of a couch cushion. All of our eyes grow at least as big as Bobbert's half-moon. The guys shakes his head and says "we have to go all in with this one." He pulls out a huge needle. It looks like something that would be used to hunt rhinos in the Savannah. He steps back and launches it at the huge buttock like it's a giant, fleshy dart board. He injects the GG into Creamer's butt.....he pulls the large-gauge needle out....and some of the GG starts leaking out.  Without missing a beat the nurse reaches out and pinches Bobbert's cheek and shakes it around - think of how you pinch a cute husky kid's cheeks. This goes on for a few seconds. I didn't know to laugh, be amazed, or to tip for the show.

Somehow we make it out of Ft. Drum, through Ft. Benning, and arrive in Germany. All of this was not without follies, but there is just too much to tell. So let's move forward a bit. This was the first time for either of us in Europe. We are standing in the middle of Rhein-Main airport in Frankfort. Of course, Bobbert is hungry. With his keen eye he sees all the European delicacies at the airport and decides that he wants McDonalds. Since I was in charge, and would be found liable if I lost Creamer, I take him to get his extra-value meal. We take an escalator up to the second floor and I'm taking in the culture around me. Bobbert's focus was on the Golden Arches. We walk up and there behind the counter is a nice middle-eastern teenage girl. From her accent, she has learned the Queen's English and may have been a citizen of the U.K. She begins to take the order....Creamer looks at me and I ask him what he wants to eat. Of course, he can't pass up the hamburger royale. She hits some keys then asks Bobbert if he want's cheese. Bobbert looks at me and I ask him if he wants cheese - easy call; of course he does. Some more keys are punched then she asks what Bobbert would like to drink. Bobbert looks at me and I ask him what he would like to drink. He opts for the Coke and she completes the order. In sheer and complete amazement Bobbert looks at me and says "Dude! I didn't know you spoke German!" You see, I wanted to choke Creamer for making me walk him over to get Mickey Deez in this strange land....but he made me laugh when he made that statement.

We finally get to our temporary duty station in Wiesbaden, Germany.  Here again are just too many stories to tell. We get through our "lanes" (more pre-deployment training) and we get our orders. We are set to go to Taszar Main in Hungary. We get there and meet up with SGT. Glemensky. Because Bobbert is a walking accident, SGT. Glemensky and he don't hit it off and this makes for awesome times. I am yet to meet a person that can curse like SGT. Glemensky. After a couple months of laughing and worrying if Bobbert would make it out alive, SGT. Glemensky heads back home and SGT. Frosty flies in to take his place.

SGT. Frosty and Bobbert get along ok, but just as I want to choke Bobbert everyday, so does SGT. Frosty. I remember one time we were all in our barracks. It was pretty late and we were playing cards and talking about nothing. Bobbert and SGT. Frosty start to get into it about nothing but it quickly escalates into something. Bobbert is heading out of the room when SGT. Frosty asks him where he is going. Bobbert says "I'm going to take a piss! You wanna come and hold my balls!?!" SGT. Frosty looks at him....turns his head a bit and asks "you hold your balls when you piss?" They were both calm now...Bobbert looks at him and with all seriousness says "Ya....how else are you supposed to get it all out?"

We were deployed for 11 months straight. I spent every day with Creamer. Ate every meal with Creamer. Did PT with Creamer. Played cards, watched movies, played ping pong....and the following fact, I did not learn until we were on our way back to Fort Drum. The entire 11 months, Bobbert only would drop off the kids in two locations. We had taken over the Hungarian Army barracks and had full use of their facilities - to include the toilets. Bobbert always took his can of Lysol so I assumed that he would just park it where ever he could find a space. Not the case. About a month before heading back I found Bobbert in the barracks room sitting sideways, rocking back and forth and sweating. I ask him what's going on and he tells me that he needs to drop a deuce. So I tell him to walk over and let it fly - there are over 15 stalls in there, surely 1 is open. Creamer looked at me like I had lost my mind. He then explains that "his" toilet is in use. I didn't know that he had a toilet. So I ask how he got a toilet. Bobbert tells me that for the last year he has only been using 1 toilet. In very rare occasions he had to go to his back-up. On this day, both is primary and secondary stations were down.  He sweated it out that night - like Pooky in New Jack City.

I would love to tell you all about the time I broke Bobbert's toe. Or about that time he got stitches on our way to Germany. Or about the time SGT. Glemensky yelled at him for farting in an enclosed area...all the while Bobbert was on the phone with his mom. Or how when we got to Ft. Benning, he didn't think that he could breathe. Or the time he tackled a little German woman. I could write a complete book on the topic of Bobbert Creamer. All of the stories are actually true - nothing added or embellished. This was our life.

I still talk to Bobbert Creamer today. He is all grown up and has a beautiful family. I have always cared for him like he was a kid brother and I still do. For all of his ridiculousness I knew that I could count on Bobbert. If it came down to it, that he would be there for me and would do what ever it took to make sure we both made it back. For all of you at 10TH MTN - Climb to Glory! For all of you at Taszar Main - Stay out of stall 3...Creamer has marked his territory.