Senior Class Picture

As I sit here rocking out to Brittney Spears [Give Me More], I am completely amazed and find myself in utter disbelief. Somehow my Montclair High School Senior Class picture has become the punch line of some type of unheard joke. Some see it and feel compelled to let me that they will vote for Pedro. Others have asked that I not travel in Arizona. I know greatness means to incur the haters, but this has become borderline offensive. As I have declared numerous times, this is one of the best pictures of my teen years and is certainly the greatest of all high school photos.

I can see why some don’t like that picture. Though you can see the perfect hair and Mexican mustache, I am still wearing the shirt and tie. You think that I sold out to the "man". You have to imagine that same picture, but with me wearing a Parker Lewis style shirt. With overalls. With just one strap over my shoulder. And the pants rolled up. Wide rolls. Think of David Silver’s clothes on my body. Don’t act like you don’t know who Silver is – we are the 90’s

I am now in an all-but-too-familiar position. I have to explain to the masses how great the picture is and what it represents. I can hear the haters now saying, “It’s a picture of you.” Yes and no. Of course it’s a picture of me, and that is what makes it great. Yet, it is more than an image of a youthful, vigorous me. It is a representation of all that was great about the 90’s and serves as a reminder of my humble beginnings.

To illustrate the greatness of this picture, let me take you all on a little journey to the 10 year MHS reunion, Class of 93. As I type this, I can actually see all of you leaning into your monitors/screen displays. I will not delay, but jump into the story.

The reunion was to be held at a hotel that we can call the Single-Fern (don’t want to advertise for free). Being ever the romantic, I booked a room – this was also to avoid any possible drunk driving charges. Of course my smokin' hot wife was my smokin' hot date (we were only dating and not yet engaged). We arrived a few hours early to check-in and scope out the room.

As you can imagine, alcohol had been purchased to assist the festivities that were to take place. We both begin drinking as we get ready for the evening. I had chosen my wardrobe carefully. I sported a fitted, blue dress shirt, black slacks, and a tie that was all the fashion of 2003. Nelly being the trophy-date wore a tight, short dress that had the DD’s on display as well as the tennis legs. Drunk and looking unbelievably handsome, I escorted my Latin hotness (Nelly, not me) down to the party.

As I arrive, I am seeing many familiar faces and love it. I continue to drink heavily and parade my date around the social event of the year. I am reconnecting with all the people that I had missed, and they were more than happy to see me and the greatness I had become. To think that I was even better looking than they had last remembered seemed preposterous! But here I was! Breathing. Living. Drinking. Dancing. Sexiness incarnate in their very presence!

Most of this night is a blur of greatness that hits my mind in short spurts of awesomeness. This is what I completely remember and will never forget: The Senior Class President, whom we shall call Solidad, had called us all to attention. A slide show was about to begin. Nelly was on my right and we had 8 others at the table with us. Solidad is speaking and announces that she is about to begin our walk down memory lane. At this point, I let go of Nelly’s hand. I close my eyes, bow my head and speak to God: Lord, sweet little Baby Jesus, please let my picture be the first picture shown…please cute infant Jesus, let us all be blessed with a 20 foot picture of me to lead off the greatest memories that most of us will ever have..I thank you baby Jesus, I honor you baby Jesus. Amen.

I was Catholic back then so I figured praying to the infant Jesus was my best bet.

My Lord, Our God, heard me that night. As I opened my eyes I looked to the wall and saw the greatest of all Senior Class pictures ever taken – Me. A glorious, hi-res, massive, wall-sized me. The crowd erupts! I jump to my feet! Hands held in a V! High-fives are being thrown! Millions [and MILLIONS] are chanting my name.

The masses got it that night. They all understood what that picture represents. As great as we all were in High School, we all have gone on to greater things. As ridiculously good looking as I was in High School, God saw it fit that I turn heads where ever I tread.

To date, this is one of my favorite pictures. I’m sure that there are some of you that used to look at the picture and think “what if”…Please don’t come forward now. My wife will cut me for knowing you and hunt you down. I am simply stating that someone in the world enjoys this picture as much as I do. To you, I say “you’re welcome.” To the rest I say "suck on it; it's still the great pic ever taken!"