Happy Birthday Babe!

Today is my crazy wife's birthday. I love her and this is part of my present. She once said "I wish you'd write an essay about me." So this is my long lost college essay. Feel free to critique and point out bad grammar, bad sentence structure, misspellings, and anything else that an anal college professor would do to break my spirit.

Our First Date: The True Story

by

Famous Ray

A Salvadorian princess was born on June twenty-ninth in the year [omitted for personal safety]. She was then, as is she is now, a beautiful, precious thing. Over the years, this lovely baby princess grew to be a sultry woman; the most alluring of her physique being the breasteses. I first met this stunning specimen in 1998. I was newly home from my tour in the U.S. Army and then living in Montclair, CA. My girlfriend at the time suggested a double-date with her best friend and I quickly agreed. We arrived at the eatery and my life changed forever. I was awestruck when we were introduced; little did I know that I was staring into the eyes of the future Mrs. Famous Ray.  She may contend that I was staring at the breasteses – also awe inspiring.

Contrary to popular belief, the stars did not align nor did the heavens open up on that night. Instead, she thought I was a big turd. This feeling of me being a turd lasted years.  Six years in fact. During those years, we both left our significant others and moved on; through it all we kept in touch. I never stopped my pursuit of her Latin Hotness and in a moment of weakness she agreed to a date. This was my one chance to finally win her heart.

I still remember the day of our first date: April 18, 2003. I was completely nervous. The entire day found me in shambles. Work seemed to last that much longer. The freeway seemed that much more congested [405N to 55N to 5N to 57N to 60E]. The alcohol seemed that much more expensive. Taking it all in, I went to my sister’s house to prepare for the big night.

I washed my Dodge Ram Super Sport in freezing conditions. I stopped by the florist to pick up fresh flowers. I went to CVS for a witty, yet endearing card. I went to Yum-Yum Donuts for a quick treat. I ironed my clothes. I was prepared. I showered, dressed, and loaded the truck.

Nervous as I was, I got lost on my way to Latin Hotness. This illustrates my state-of-mind since it was a straight line from my sister’s house to hers. I remember seeing her as I drove up to the house. She was absolutely stunning. I parked and walked around to open the door for my date. As she climbed in she was welcomed with a card, a dozen tulips, and a Bavarian cream-filled donut – complete with chocolate icing.

I babble incessantly as we drive off. Still nervous, I am rambling until we come to our destination. For our special night, I had chosen an exclusive night club: Camacho’s Bar n Grill. As I park and dismount the truck, I feel a hornets’ nest in my stomach. I open the door for my date and we begin our walk. No longer able to deal with the stress, I pulled her into me – our first kiss. Just as Rocky described Adriane holding his hand; it was electric.

The rest of the night was perfect. We enjoyed each others company unaware that we would one day be married and have a family of our own. That night, the stars did align and the heavens did open up. God had bestowed his greatest blessing upon me. I was with the woman with whom I would spend the rest of my natural life.

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OK, that was 1 1/2 pages with 1 1/2 line spacing - the standard college paper. I will take a few points off for referencing the DD's as "breasteses", but it's worth the loss to say "breasteses". I'm thinking that my use of "turd" may have been in the wrong context, so a few more points off for that too. I'm going to give this paper a 92 for structure and a 100 for concept and originality.