Word Play

Certain words just mess with my mind. These words are not particularly funny or openly obscene or thought provoking. Just words. Normally this isn't a big deal, but they mess with me at all times to include the professional work day. Now then, when I say "professional", I don't mean that I act any more mature during my hours at work. Only that I get paid. Below I complied some of the words that I hear during the work week. I'm sure after you see how I have described them, you'll understand how I can get myself into trouble.

• The names Phil, Pat, or Randy. 
• It can't be Felipe, or Phillip, or Patrick, or Patricia. It has to be "Pat" or "Phil." When I hear Phil or Pat, I quickly think "Phil M'Crotch" or "Pat M'Groin."
• Randy is worse. Every time I read, hear, or say "Randy", my mind does a horrible impersonation of Austin Powers: Do I make you RANDY, BABY!? DO I!?! YEAH!!! Never fails. Every time. If someone is introduced, as I reach out to shake their hand, I am saying this LOUDLY in my head. This was especailly hard to deal with when I had a manager named Randy. And yes, I have been doing that over and over while I typed this out.

• Unit - To me, this is synonymous with a man's junk. Unfortunately, I work with hospitals. A lot. I am always being told what units are crucial and what units I can work with or what units I can't disturb. Sometimes nurses ask if I can send someone over to look at their unit. Just this week I had a conversation with CIO that was explaining that he wanted me to survey his units. As you can imagine, this was a difficult call for me.

• Duties - Another word for poo. I have to stifle laughter when this one comes up. "Ray, can you tell me about your duties?" hehehe I can, but you may not like it!
• Muffy - This was actually new for me, but no less funny. I heard that and just looked right at the guy that said it. In the office, a "muffy" is the little foam piece that goes over the mic on a headset. I'm sure I speak for ever 12 year old male...that is NOT a muffy!

• Abreast - do I really need to say anything? I just heard it on Monday - I'll keep you abreast as we move forward. I hear that and all I think is "Jumblies....hehehhehe"
• Dongle - see units
• Agentless Probe - I literally had to stop a person from saying anything more after I heard this. He had said it twice and was going for a third when I had to stop him in his tracks. All I can think of is an index finger floating around with no hand attached and is probing the air looking for an available anus. Hehehehe "anus".
  
• Spectacle - makes me think of testicle. Not only that, I have to say the sentence again and replace the words: You don't want to make a testicle of yourself. Well, I should hope not!
• Repository - makes me think of suppository. If you don't know what that is, you can look it up here.
• Cocktail - I've been known to walk away when this word is used. I don't know the origin of this word, but I do feel it's appropriate seeing that alcohol is involved.
• Let's start from the top - this is said in almost every meeting that is ever had. I always think "Wow! You're KINKY! But sure, I'm game."
  
• Backdoor - as in, "Can we bring this deal in through the backdoor?" In my mind, I am replying, "I find that rude and offensive, madam! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?"
• Champion -  an overly-used word in my industry. This doesn't cause too much trouble, but when it's said I think of The Rock. Then I see highlights and I hear his theme music.

• Touch Point - office talk for "meeting", an example: I need another touch point. I hear this one and think "Men only have 1 touch point. Well 2 really, but they will only admit to 1. Women have somewhere between 7 and 25 touch points. Do we really need another touch pont???"
• Excuse Me - My response is always "Why? Did you fart?"
• The letter "D" - This one gets me almost every day. If the letter "D" is used, I revert to that 12 year old boy and want to shout out "DEEEEZ NUTZ!" ...so conference room D, or building D, or CD or DVD...these tend to get me in trouble.
• The Number "2" - see duties
  
• Mount or Mounting - believe it or not, I am a "WLAN Consultant". Those are fancy words and I don't know that they really mean...BUT...I do have a lot of calls where "mount" or "mounting" is a serious topic. Something along the lines of "Who's going to be doing the mounting?" will come up. This is when I'm glad that I have the customer on mute. And to be clear, I have NEVER offered to mount anything!
• The Brazilian Cowboy - ummmmm....I'm not sure I want to get into this one too much...suffice it to say that "missionary" is not the visual that comes to mind. It's actually a name of a restaurant here in Texas. I know. Texas RULES.
• Breasteses - I never hear this at work, but that word is awesome. I had to add it to the list because I know that Amy hates it :)

This is not a comprehensive list. I just wanted to paint a picture of how my mind works. I'm guessing that this post has cleared up a few things for you, namely (1) I am pretty much ridiculous while I'm conscience, (2)  I'm probably worse at work than I am at home and (3) Nelly is damn lucky to have married me. Actually, point number 3 is represented in all of my writings and is also physically noticeable if your in my general vicinity - but it's always good to point out.