It happened again. I was at church and slipped into deep thought. RyuKen was there all cool style and rockin out - for some reason he puts me into a trance. I know what you're thinking...I have a man-crush. This is incorrect. Any one that knows me can tell you that Johnny Depp is my man-crush; multi-talented and complex.
This service started out just like any other. RyuKen came in and did a front handspring step out, round-off back-handspring step-out, round-off back handspring, full-twisting layout right into his set. He's there jammin and I am yelling "I"m down with G.O.D!" He starts talking about "those Jesus Freaks are on to something!" My mind starts to wonder back to last weekend. There was a 14 year-old version of RyuKen on the stage pickin the axe and jumpin around. He doesn't have the stage presence of RyuKen, but it's easy to image what RyuKen was like as a young teen.
Thinking back on this younger kid was the beginning of the end for me. So here is the chain of thoughts:
Man! RyuKen is phenomeno! I wonder if has to warm up before he falls into the splits like that? hmmm that kid last week was pretty dope too. He was jumpin around with his hair all over the place, feelin the music and feeling the Lord work through him. I wonder if he's 12?
I guess he has to be older than 12. Hmmm....that kid in the Avatar movie is supposed to be 12. Not the giant, blue monkey Avatar, but the real Avatar - the last Airbender. That little kid is an ass kicker. I can't wait for that movie to start. He has to be older than 12.
Ang is 12 in the cartoon though...hmmm....The Boy likes to watch that cartoon too. I wonder what The Boy is going to be like when he's 12? He just tested at karate and is even better than I thought he was. He has all my natural talent with Nelly's flexibility. He can pull moves now that I have never been able to do. He's gonna kill someone one day. Well not really kill some one, just smash them up really bad.
Should I keep him in karate or move him to boxing? If I move him to boxing, we can all be at the church praying for him as he goes to the Olympics! We can introduce him as the fighting pride of Montclair! That's right bitches! Gonna represent home team. Well, that wouldn't be fair to him. He is growing up and being raised in The Great State of Texas. The Fighting Pride of Texas sounds good too. And if he boxes, he will be my retirement plan. I know he'll buy Nelly a house; maybe I can get a car....
He's doing sooooo good in karate though. Even his instructor said he feels sorry for the boys in his division. Maybe he'll be the next Chuck Norris.
I wonder if people know that his name is actually Carlos Ray Norris and not Charles. I wonder how he ended up with "Chuck" as nick name?
By this time RyuKen is finishing up his solo and the pastor is at the podium. He asks "what is one thing that you can thank God for today? Let God know the one thing that you are thankful for right now." Without hesitation I think of my family. My beautiful wife, my beautiful daughters, and my boy. I thank God for my family every day. On this day, I prayed for my lil champ - God, let the world see how great you are though The Boy; may the world see Your wonder and might though all that he will accomplish though You.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
His Father's Son
Many of you that knew me during high school, or the military, or college, or my first years working .... I guess any one that knew me before Nelly couldn't imagine me being married; more or less having a family. I would have agreed with your assessment during those wonder years, but then something happened. I found a crazy, sexy Salvadorian and the sun set on my individual greatness. As I look back, I can hear the echos of tears as I got married and the shouts of triumph from the single men who now actually stood a chance.
I've been married now somewhere between 7-10 years. During that time, God blessed me with 2 beautiful girls. They are my heart and soul. They are everything to me. God blessed the WORLD by giving me a little boy. God saw it fit that my greatness not be a one time deal. He actually ensured that the next generation will have it's own little me! Can we all say it? GOD IS GREAT.
Any one that has seen the boy will tell you that he looks a lot like me. It's as if I have been shrunk into 2 feet and loss some color along the way. He is a little white me. There is no doubt that he is turning heads where ever he goes. For the good of all mankind, the similarities do not stop there. Every bit of me seems to have been stuffed into this tiny little man-child - I'm surprised he has not exploded from the awesomeness that is inside of him.
What follows are a few examples of how he is me. Some of you may have heard these stories, but when you connect them....that's the magic!
Dancing King - We had a totally rad 80's party. I was Mr. T and the boy was a lil punk rocker (a mini Travis Barker). I was driving with the entire family doing some last minute stuff for the fiesta. As I'm driving, I'm listening to the radio and doing choreography in my head - just another day. I ask my baby-girl if she's going to dance with me at the party. My lil angle says "yes daddy" and melts my heart. I ask the boy if he's going to dance with mommy at that party....he looked out the window, smiled to himself and answered "when I dance, all the girls will like me."
King of the Jungle - So I have a big black friend. We will call him Mr. Tiny. Mr. Tiny is 6'3, 250 lbs of country strong, black man. He is a human forklift and he is a great friend. The boy loves playing with Mr. Tiny any chance he gets. We have some books of animals in our home - basic kid stuff. Every book has two animals, one on the front and one on the back. One day the boy brings one to me asks "what's this daddy?" I look at it and tell him "it's a rhino, buddy." He looked at it again and said "Daddy...I'm a rhino and Mr. Tiny is a zebra..."
I run this - Nelly made me paint a room, change light fixtures, and do other "man" things. Of course the boy wanted to help but some of it was dangerous so I put a movie on for him. I am about 30 minutes into my slave work when I hear him screaming for me "DADDY! DADDY! DADDY!". I tell him to give me a couple of minutes since I was on a ladder and Nelly was there with a horse whip. He is unrelenting! I figure he wants me to watch the movie with him. My heart smiles. "DADDY! DADDY!" I climb down and head over. As I get there, he doesn't look at me, but points to the TV and says "Daddy....I'm Batman and you're Robin."
Strongest there is - Here is a conversation that happened at the house:
The Boy: Mommy, can I take my shirt off?
Hot Mama: Ya baby, you can take your shirt off...
Baby Girl: He only wants to take his shirt off because he thinks he's the Hulk
The Boy: I AM THE HULK
and off he walks with no shirt on........
Watch yourself - As you all know, my sexiness needs regular care and feeding. I do this a few ways, but one of them is the gym. The gym that we go to allows us to drop off the kids (not at the pool) but in a play area. So we do...all 3 of them. I have this thing about telling the boy to protect his sisters and he takes it to heart. The story goes, as told by our oldest, baby-girl was sitting down and playing by herself. A little boy wanted her toy and she said no, I'm playing with it. The little boy decides to swing at baby-girl. She moves out of the way but is about to cry.....then out of nowhere you hear "HEY! Don't you hit my baby sister!" and a little club of a fist flies....Before you ask, yes the boy is the baby of family. He thinks he's bigger than everyone he knows.
The Shogun of Harlem - I needed something to get all the energy out of the boy. I ask him if he wants to do karate. His answer "no dad, I just want to fight." I tell Nelly that I can put him into boxing when he's 6 and he jumps in and says "YA DAD! I wanna box! I'm gonna box you and knock you out, dad!" I want to choke him but Nelly is watching me like she always does. I take my oldest to start karate and he sees it. He understands that not only can he punch someone, but he can throw kicks and decides he wants to start. After his first class, the instructor came out and shook his head. He simply said "Get ready for all the trophies this kid is going to win."
Free Willey - Nelly tells the boy that it's time to put on his jammas. He changes and comes into the room. Nelly asks him "Did you take off your underwear and put on your jammas?" The boy replies "ya mom, underwear make me sick."
Night Night - "Good night Dad." "I love you, Mommy"
The point of all these stories? Here is what this all means, in the order that they were told:
I've been married now somewhere between 7-10 years. During that time, God blessed me with 2 beautiful girls. They are my heart and soul. They are everything to me. God blessed the WORLD by giving me a little boy. God saw it fit that my greatness not be a one time deal. He actually ensured that the next generation will have it's own little me! Can we all say it? GOD IS GREAT.
Any one that has seen the boy will tell you that he looks a lot like me. It's as if I have been shrunk into 2 feet and loss some color along the way. He is a little white me. There is no doubt that he is turning heads where ever he goes. For the good of all mankind, the similarities do not stop there. Every bit of me seems to have been stuffed into this tiny little man-child - I'm surprised he has not exploded from the awesomeness that is inside of him.
What follows are a few examples of how he is me. Some of you may have heard these stories, but when you connect them....that's the magic!
Dancing King - We had a totally rad 80's party. I was Mr. T and the boy was a lil punk rocker (a mini Travis Barker). I was driving with the entire family doing some last minute stuff for the fiesta. As I'm driving, I'm listening to the radio and doing choreography in my head - just another day. I ask my baby-girl if she's going to dance with me at the party. My lil angle says "yes daddy" and melts my heart. I ask the boy if he's going to dance with mommy at that party....he looked out the window, smiled to himself and answered "when I dance, all the girls will like me."
King of the Jungle - So I have a big black friend. We will call him Mr. Tiny. Mr. Tiny is 6'3, 250 lbs of country strong, black man. He is a human forklift and he is a great friend. The boy loves playing with Mr. Tiny any chance he gets. We have some books of animals in our home - basic kid stuff. Every book has two animals, one on the front and one on the back. One day the boy brings one to me asks "what's this daddy?" I look at it and tell him "it's a rhino, buddy." He looked at it again and said "Daddy...I'm a rhino and Mr. Tiny is a zebra..."
I run this - Nelly made me paint a room, change light fixtures, and do other "man" things. Of course the boy wanted to help but some of it was dangerous so I put a movie on for him. I am about 30 minutes into my slave work when I hear him screaming for me "DADDY! DADDY! DADDY!". I tell him to give me a couple of minutes since I was on a ladder and Nelly was there with a horse whip. He is unrelenting! I figure he wants me to watch the movie with him. My heart smiles. "DADDY! DADDY!" I climb down and head over. As I get there, he doesn't look at me, but points to the TV and says "Daddy....I'm Batman and you're Robin."
Strongest there is - Here is a conversation that happened at the house:
The Boy: Mommy, can I take my shirt off?
Hot Mama: Ya baby, you can take your shirt off...
Baby Girl: He only wants to take his shirt off because he thinks he's the Hulk
The Boy: I AM THE HULK
and off he walks with no shirt on........
Watch yourself - As you all know, my sexiness needs regular care and feeding. I do this a few ways, but one of them is the gym. The gym that we go to allows us to drop off the kids (not at the pool) but in a play area. So we do...all 3 of them. I have this thing about telling the boy to protect his sisters and he takes it to heart. The story goes, as told by our oldest, baby-girl was sitting down and playing by herself. A little boy wanted her toy and she said no, I'm playing with it. The little boy decides to swing at baby-girl. She moves out of the way but is about to cry.....then out of nowhere you hear "HEY! Don't you hit my baby sister!" and a little club of a fist flies....Before you ask, yes the boy is the baby of family. He thinks he's bigger than everyone he knows.
The Shogun of Harlem - I needed something to get all the energy out of the boy. I ask him if he wants to do karate. His answer "no dad, I just want to fight." I tell Nelly that I can put him into boxing when he's 6 and he jumps in and says "YA DAD! I wanna box! I'm gonna box you and knock you out, dad!" I want to choke him but Nelly is watching me like she always does. I take my oldest to start karate and he sees it. He understands that not only can he punch someone, but he can throw kicks and decides he wants to start. After his first class, the instructor came out and shook his head. He simply said "Get ready for all the trophies this kid is going to win."
Free Willey - Nelly tells the boy that it's time to put on his jammas. He changes and comes into the room. Nelly asks him "Did you take off your underwear and put on your jammas?" The boy replies "ya mom, underwear make me sick."
Night Night - "Good night Dad." "I love you, Mommy"
The point of all these stories? Here is what this all means, in the order that they were told:
- I will bring that ISH on the dance floor - and I will be loved for it
- Doesn't matter what anyone else says, this is how I see myself
- I will be second to no man
- Y'all better recognize
- I will do anything to protect the ones I love; this includes smashing you
- I am a Lover AND a Fighter; both come naturally to me
- Underwear make me sick
- I love Nelly more than anything on this planet
Monday, May 10, 2010
Big Lesbian Party
I just found out that a lesbian couple wants me to father their child. Of course I jumped at the opportunity to bring another little me into the world. And to help out a friend in need was in there somewhere. During the nanosecond it took me to reach this conclusion, I began to think back on this very lovely couple. Let's call them Captain and Tennille.
Now let's see...it must be going on 2 years since I have seen The Captain or Tennille. I do speak with Tennille on a pretty regular basis....but when was the last time I saw them.....hmmmm...oh, that's right! It was at their BIG LESBIAN PARTY!
You see, we travel from the Great State of Texas to SoCal almost every summer to spend some quality time with all of El Salvador (I will be posting on that REAL soon). The Captain and Tennille had planned a 70's party and by luck, we were going to be in town. Little did I suspect what this party was really all about.
I believe that the 70's are one of the greatest dance and fashion decades ever. Le Freak, I Will Survive, Dancing Queen, Flashlight, and the hits just keep on rolling! Add to the great music the best wardrobe by both the men and ladies. The best way to describe the fashion is to simply stay the goods were on display for all to admire. A 70's party is just like Halloween - this is when all women can flaunt their junk without fear of being called a hooker. As a side note, Halloween is one of my favorite holidays.
Now then, Nelly and I celebrated with our own 70's party the previous year. Were the Capetian and Tennille biting on our idea? Probably, but I still wanted to go and literally shake my groove thang. We brought our digs for the funk fest. I had tight white pants, a psychedelic disco shirt (complete with butterfly collar) buttoned up about halfway, an assortment of gold chains and rings. Nelly rocked a dress short enough to confirm she was girl, had the DD's front and center (almost completely out), knee-high white go-go boots and a Farrah Fawcett, blond wig to top off the look.
As we walk into this party, I see nothing but drunk women. This is already awesome. But then, for some reason, no one is noticing me. This was the first time I had been surrounded by women and not a single one was looking me up and down. Something was amiss! It hits me! This is even more awesome than I first thought - these women are drunk lesbians in revealing costumes. This is easily one of the best parties I have ever been to and I've only just walked in! Can it get any better!?!? Yes, it can...
The ladies were scattered about the party in different groups. The Captain was leading some of the ladies in a nice karaoke set while others were drinking and carrying on. Tennille is excited to see us (naturally) and decides to share us with her guests. Nelly is walking around in her white, platform knee-high boots and DD's out for the world. She starts to get some attention. A lot of attention. The ladies are looking at Nelly like they haven eaten for 3 days and she is a fine ham sandwich. This is even more awesome than I when I first walked in!
The night is going on at a steady pace. I am being completely ignored. Women are offering Nelly drinks while looking down her shirt. Others are having conversations with the DD's as if Nelly is not even there. Now, not all of these ladies were lesbians. Even the straight girls are getting in on the action. Some ask if she would like free yoga instruction; I think this is great because of all the health benefits. The party is coming to an end and the ladies are starting to file out, but not before they get a chance to feel Nelly up. As they "hug" her goodbye, it was obvious that their intention was to get the boobage all up on each other. I still think that this is pure awesomeness and encourage Nelly to hug all of her friends goodbye this way.
Any real man will confirm that the "lesbian encounter" is somewhere in the top 5 of all man-fantasies. Really could be top 3 if combine a few. In either case, the Captain and Tennille did what they could to bring this to fruition.
I have always wondered how I could pay back The Captain and Tennille for that night - now I have my chance. I will give them a baby. The only caveat is that they name the baby Raymond for a boy or Railene for a girl.
Now let's see...it must be going on 2 years since I have seen The Captain or Tennille. I do speak with Tennille on a pretty regular basis....but when was the last time I saw them.....hmmmm...oh, that's right! It was at their BIG LESBIAN PARTY!
You see, we travel from the Great State of Texas to SoCal almost every summer to spend some quality time with all of El Salvador (I will be posting on that REAL soon). The Captain and Tennille had planned a 70's party and by luck, we were going to be in town. Little did I suspect what this party was really all about.
I believe that the 70's are one of the greatest dance and fashion decades ever. Le Freak, I Will Survive, Dancing Queen, Flashlight, and the hits just keep on rolling! Add to the great music the best wardrobe by both the men and ladies. The best way to describe the fashion is to simply stay the goods were on display for all to admire. A 70's party is just like Halloween - this is when all women can flaunt their junk without fear of being called a hooker. As a side note, Halloween is one of my favorite holidays.
Now then, Nelly and I celebrated with our own 70's party the previous year. Were the Capetian and Tennille biting on our idea? Probably, but I still wanted to go and literally shake my groove thang. We brought our digs for the funk fest. I had tight white pants, a psychedelic disco shirt (complete with butterfly collar) buttoned up about halfway, an assortment of gold chains and rings. Nelly rocked a dress short enough to confirm she was girl, had the DD's front and center (almost completely out), knee-high white go-go boots and a Farrah Fawcett, blond wig to top off the look.
As we walk into this party, I see nothing but drunk women. This is already awesome. But then, for some reason, no one is noticing me. This was the first time I had been surrounded by women and not a single one was looking me up and down. Something was amiss! It hits me! This is even more awesome than I first thought - these women are drunk lesbians in revealing costumes. This is easily one of the best parties I have ever been to and I've only just walked in! Can it get any better!?!? Yes, it can...
The ladies were scattered about the party in different groups. The Captain was leading some of the ladies in a nice karaoke set while others were drinking and carrying on. Tennille is excited to see us (naturally) and decides to share us with her guests. Nelly is walking around in her white, platform knee-high boots and DD's out for the world. She starts to get some attention. A lot of attention. The ladies are looking at Nelly like they haven eaten for 3 days and she is a fine ham sandwich. This is even more awesome than I when I first walked in!
The night is going on at a steady pace. I am being completely ignored. Women are offering Nelly drinks while looking down her shirt. Others are having conversations with the DD's as if Nelly is not even there. Now, not all of these ladies were lesbians. Even the straight girls are getting in on the action. Some ask if she would like free yoga instruction; I think this is great because of all the health benefits. The party is coming to an end and the ladies are starting to file out, but not before they get a chance to feel Nelly up. As they "hug" her goodbye, it was obvious that their intention was to get the boobage all up on each other. I still think that this is pure awesomeness and encourage Nelly to hug all of her friends goodbye this way.
Any real man will confirm that the "lesbian encounter" is somewhere in the top 5 of all man-fantasies. Really could be top 3 if combine a few. In either case, the Captain and Tennille did what they could to bring this to fruition.
I have always wondered how I could pay back The Captain and Tennille for that night - now I have my chance. I will give them a baby. The only caveat is that they name the baby Raymond for a boy or Railene for a girl.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Moving Day
After our first date, Nelly and I were inseparable (which goes without saying, but I like saying it). As devout Catholics during that time, Nelly was of course staying with me at my apartment a few days a week. I was living in Irvine,CA - That's right, I was in the OC, Bitches!
I was actually sharing an apartment with a buddy of mine. Since he's rich, he decided to buy a condo and I was kicked out. Prior to my eviction, I was not only living in the OC, but on the UCI Campus. Living on campus isn't this great party. You don't see a flock of college girls every time you open your eyes. Food isn't reasonably priced for the students. The best Pizza wasn't just across the street. It sucked ;)
Life was pretty simple back in those days. My room had a bed, a desk, and a calendar.
My calendar was a classy, very professional, EAST WEST collection. Think of Asian girls (possibly UCI girls) trying to pay their way through college by posing in designer swimwear for an eclectic collection of visual elegance. Thinking back on it, I believe that this was a gift from Tequila. I think it was to adjust to my new surroundings in Irvine.
My desk was one of those IKEA types. Nothing special about it in the least. It did however, have a drawer. I had lived in that apartment for years (well 2 and that counts). I had no idea what paperwork and nonsense was in that drawer. I simply asked my gorgeous, hot blooded, Salvadorian-Mayan princess to throw it all in box.
That's Right! Being the ever-so-loving-and-trusting BF, I asked my finer-than-frog-hair GF to help me pack while I was at the office. She had the day off and I had to slave away, so I asked for a little assistance.
Being the ever-so-loving GF, she smiled and kissed me goodbye.
I was off to work. A grueling day dealing with technical issues that would make a NASA engineer cringe. I had to do the work of a super-computer; like cracking Russian Military-Grade code for hours on end or trying to get SkyNet up and operational. Once I walked in the door I was property of "The Company" and had to do their bidding. The only relief was that Big Sexy worked with me and his presence soothed my very soul.
After what seemed like 10 hours of having my mind scrubbed with an SOS pad, it was time to go home to my beautiful lady. As I walk in I can sense that something is not quite right (I am very perceptive when it comes to these things). Nelly is clearly upset. We walk into my bedroom and I'm hit with a face full of thunder! Not really, but it smells like a Magic Marker. I figure that she must have labeled my box for me because she loves me so much. She's sooooo good to me :)
We sit on the bed and start to talk.Unbeknownst to me she has found a very old picture. A picture of me. Not only me, but with a friend. Not only with a friend, but not locally. It would be very easy to mistake this as a photo of me and a former gal-pal. The friend shall remain nameless and the location undisclosed as to protect the innocent and myself.
I go right into defense. I've done nothing wrong! This was simply a friend...from a VERY long time ago. I didn't even know that the picture was in there. Had NO idea that a picture even existed. It was all bent up and at the bottom of a drawer! And why didn't you just throw everything in the box, why did you go through it all?
You see....now I'm wiser (older). I can actually HEAR all the ladies reading this. This very minute they are thinking how stupid that was of me...to even question "...why did you go through it all?" Rest assured my female-friends. I have learned from that experience. I have no privacy. No email (including work) is safe. No texts, no phone calls, not even FB posts will go unmonitored.
We talk it out and being all suave (think Moto-Moto) I get things smoothed over and we are again lost in love. Now we are in the love-tree; hanging out in the nest. So naturally Nelly feels like she can say anything to me.
I must say I was not prepared for what happened next, but it set the tone for my marriage.
Nelly leans over all sexy style and says "I did something bad to your calendar." She looks and sounds like Sex-on-a-Plate! How can I be upset with my hot-blooded Salvadorian hotness? So I reach over to my box and notice that it was not labeled, but the Magic Marker smell is stronger than ever. I pickup my very classy calendar. As I open it, I find that EVERY picture has been colored over with the marker - leaving no bodies, but only little smiling faces. Every picture, every month. Including the front and back covers.
This is the day that I knew I had found a very special type of crazy. My friends, I encourage you to look for this craziness in your life. It will only make every minute that more exciting, because you never know when you'll get stabbed for something that you didn't even know about.
I was actually sharing an apartment with a buddy of mine. Since he's rich, he decided to buy a condo and I was kicked out. Prior to my eviction, I was not only living in the OC, but on the UCI Campus. Living on campus isn't this great party. You don't see a flock of college girls every time you open your eyes. Food isn't reasonably priced for the students. The best Pizza wasn't just across the street. It sucked ;)
Life was pretty simple back in those days. My room had a bed, a desk, and a calendar.
My calendar was a classy, very professional, EAST WEST collection. Think of Asian girls (possibly UCI girls) trying to pay their way through college by posing in designer swimwear for an eclectic collection of visual elegance. Thinking back on it, I believe that this was a gift from Tequila. I think it was to adjust to my new surroundings in Irvine.
My desk was one of those IKEA types. Nothing special about it in the least. It did however, have a drawer. I had lived in that apartment for years (well 2 and that counts). I had no idea what paperwork and nonsense was in that drawer. I simply asked my gorgeous, hot blooded, Salvadorian-Mayan princess to throw it all in box.
That's Right! Being the ever-so-loving-and-trusting BF, I asked my finer-than-frog-hair GF to help me pack while I was at the office. She had the day off and I had to slave away, so I asked for a little assistance.
Being the ever-so-loving GF, she smiled and kissed me goodbye.
I was off to work. A grueling day dealing with technical issues that would make a NASA engineer cringe. I had to do the work of a super-computer; like cracking Russian Military-Grade code for hours on end or trying to get SkyNet up and operational. Once I walked in the door I was property of "The Company" and had to do their bidding. The only relief was that Big Sexy worked with me and his presence soothed my very soul.
After what seemed like 10 hours of having my mind scrubbed with an SOS pad, it was time to go home to my beautiful lady. As I walk in I can sense that something is not quite right (I am very perceptive when it comes to these things). Nelly is clearly upset. We walk into my bedroom and I'm hit with a face full of thunder! Not really, but it smells like a Magic Marker. I figure that she must have labeled my box for me because she loves me so much. She's sooooo good to me :)
We sit on the bed and start to talk.Unbeknownst to me she has found a very old picture. A picture of me. Not only me, but with a friend. Not only with a friend, but not locally. It would be very easy to mistake this as a photo of me and a former gal-pal. The friend shall remain nameless and the location undisclosed as to protect the innocent and myself.
I go right into defense. I've done nothing wrong! This was simply a friend...from a VERY long time ago. I didn't even know that the picture was in there. Had NO idea that a picture even existed. It was all bent up and at the bottom of a drawer! And why didn't you just throw everything in the box, why did you go through it all?
You see....now I'm wiser (older). I can actually HEAR all the ladies reading this. This very minute they are thinking how stupid that was of me...to even question "...why did you go through it all?" Rest assured my female-friends. I have learned from that experience. I have no privacy. No email (including work) is safe. No texts, no phone calls, not even FB posts will go unmonitored.
We talk it out and being all suave (think Moto-Moto) I get things smoothed over and we are again lost in love. Now we are in the love-tree; hanging out in the nest. So naturally Nelly feels like she can say anything to me.
I must say I was not prepared for what happened next, but it set the tone for my marriage.
Nelly leans over all sexy style and says "I did something bad to your calendar." She looks and sounds like Sex-on-a-Plate! How can I be upset with my hot-blooded Salvadorian hotness? So I reach over to my box and notice that it was not labeled, but the Magic Marker smell is stronger than ever. I pickup my very classy calendar. As I open it, I find that EVERY picture has been colored over with the marker - leaving no bodies, but only little smiling faces. Every picture, every month. Including the front and back covers.
This is the day that I knew I had found a very special type of crazy. My friends, I encourage you to look for this craziness in your life. It will only make every minute that more exciting, because you never know when you'll get stabbed for something that you didn't even know about.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Simple Men, Simple Minds
Have you ever had a thought run through your mind so fast that it took longer to explain than experience?
Like most guys, random thoughts of nothingness race along happily and uninhibited in the paradise of my mind on a daily basis. These wayward pieces of bliss hit me at breakneck speeds and can strike at any second. Like a Chuck Norris roundhouse to the face, there is no warning before I am engulfed in the sheer awesomeness that is my brain.
I would like to share with you all a chain of ideas/questions/thoughts that ran through my mind as single instance - and happened in a flash. Before I can do this, I must introduce some characters to the audience:
RyuKen. RyuKen is a singer/musician. To say that he is talented would be a gross understatement. If you could take the very degree of my sexiness and some how use that as a level of measurement, only then could you grasp just how much this kid truly rocks. He is in his early to mid 20's and can get down with the best of them.
Big H. So Big H is a tall, black man. Like RyuKen, he is singer with a powerful voice. He is so smooth that he makes it look effortless. My wife once said that he has "a beautiful voice." I have never gotten over that comment. Big H married himself a Fine Black Panther - for you slow people, that means she's a cougar, but black.
Fine Black Panther. She is a cougar, but black and married to Big H.
And now the story begins...
I was at church with my hot wife and service was just getting started. Like most bible-based churches, we begin with a live band playing songs of worship. While we are enjoying the show, I tilt my head ever so slightly and smirk. Nelly who is always watching and judging me innocently asks "What are you thinking?" What follows is the answer that I gave her...
"I was standing here listening to RyuKen and was thinking 'man this kid is UBER-TALENTED!
He's all like Give it up!
The Lord Jesus is in the house!
Let's get our Christ on.
Let's kick it Jesus style.
Y'all wanna walk with the ultimate rebel, right?
The ultimate CEO?
The biggest celebrity of them all?
Who's down with G.O.D?
I'm down with the G.O.D!
That's right!
Jesus Rules!
Jesus Rules!'
Then he broke into his song. He was standing there all cool-style. RyuKen and his Flying guitar [I love that movie]. So then I thought 'Man, what an awesome gift! He'll be able to sing like that forever, even when he's old.' Then I thought 'Man, Big H sings like that too! He's all buh buh buh buh buh buh buh to Fine Black Panther...I bet she thinks she's all bad when he sings to her during her birthdays and parties n stuff...I bet that makes her wanna tattoo BIG H across her heart! He'll be able to do that for years...you can never not sing...look at NKOTB.' Then I thought to myself 'I wonder if I should surprise Nelly and take some voice lessons? She would love for me to get up in the middle of a packed house and sing PLEASE DON'T GO GIIIIIIIRL, TELL ME YOU'LL STAAAAAAAYYYYY, I NEED YOU, (i need you).' Then I thought 'would I rather be able to sing or to dance?' It really wasn't a question at all because there is no question about it. I would would rather be able to bring that ISH on the dance floor and work out my bi-laterals and bicuspids [reference to Norbit]. That's what I was thinking."
Silence. Watching. Judging.
Nelly finally says "what is wrong with you?"
That entire thought lasted less than a full second, but I was happy with myself.
Ladies, men have stupid thoughts of nothingness more than you can possibly imagine. You may notice your boyfriend/husband/friend-with-benefits sitting there with a look on his face like he's trying to divide 2,456,270 by 342 or with a simple smile. This is what it means: he is working through a question or has come to the conclusion and is obviously pleased with himself.
Some examples of these questions may be:
Ladies, in the words of George W. Bush, please don't misunderestimate the stupidity of men. If you need further proof, feel free to tune in and watch THE DEADLIEST WARRIOR. Every man has wondered if a Ninja could defeat a Spartan. We never stopped asking this question. Instead, we now have a team of specialists and a state-of-the-art facility to reach a scientifically proven conclusion.
Unless you are ready to discuss (and possibly debate) these earth shattering questions, it may be best to let your mate sit there in his happy stupor.
Gentlemen, no need for thanks, but I do take donations ;)
Like most guys, random thoughts of nothingness race along happily and uninhibited in the paradise of my mind on a daily basis. These wayward pieces of bliss hit me at breakneck speeds and can strike at any second. Like a Chuck Norris roundhouse to the face, there is no warning before I am engulfed in the sheer awesomeness that is my brain.
I would like to share with you all a chain of ideas/questions/thoughts that ran through my mind as single instance - and happened in a flash. Before I can do this, I must introduce some characters to the audience:
RyuKen. RyuKen is a singer/musician. To say that he is talented would be a gross understatement. If you could take the very degree of my sexiness and some how use that as a level of measurement, only then could you grasp just how much this kid truly rocks. He is in his early to mid 20's and can get down with the best of them.
Big H. So Big H is a tall, black man. Like RyuKen, he is singer with a powerful voice. He is so smooth that he makes it look effortless. My wife once said that he has "a beautiful voice." I have never gotten over that comment. Big H married himself a Fine Black Panther - for you slow people, that means she's a cougar, but black.
Fine Black Panther. She is a cougar, but black and married to Big H.
And now the story begins...
I was at church with my hot wife and service was just getting started. Like most bible-based churches, we begin with a live band playing songs of worship. While we are enjoying the show, I tilt my head ever so slightly and smirk. Nelly who is always watching and judging me innocently asks "What are you thinking?" What follows is the answer that I gave her...
"I was standing here listening to RyuKen and was thinking 'man this kid is UBER-TALENTED!
He's all like Give it up!
The Lord Jesus is in the house!
Let's get our Christ on.
Let's kick it Jesus style.
Y'all wanna walk with the ultimate rebel, right?
The ultimate CEO?
The biggest celebrity of them all?
Who's down with G.O.D?
I'm down with the G.O.D!
That's right!
Jesus Rules!
Jesus Rules!'
Then he broke into his song. He was standing there all cool-style. RyuKen and his Flying guitar [I love that movie]. So then I thought 'Man, what an awesome gift! He'll be able to sing like that forever, even when he's old.' Then I thought 'Man, Big H sings like that too! He's all buh buh buh buh buh buh buh to Fine Black Panther...I bet she thinks she's all bad when he sings to her during her birthdays and parties n stuff...I bet that makes her wanna tattoo BIG H across her heart! He'll be able to do that for years...you can never not sing...look at NKOTB.' Then I thought to myself 'I wonder if I should surprise Nelly and take some voice lessons? She would love for me to get up in the middle of a packed house and sing PLEASE DON'T GO GIIIIIIIRL, TELL ME YOU'LL STAAAAAAAYYYYY, I NEED YOU, (i need you).' Then I thought 'would I rather be able to sing or to dance?' It really wasn't a question at all because there is no question about it. I would would rather be able to bring that ISH on the dance floor and work out my bi-laterals and bicuspids [reference to Norbit]. That's what I was thinking."
Silence. Watching. Judging.
Nelly finally says "what is wrong with you?"
That entire thought lasted less than a full second, but I was happy with myself.
Ladies, men have stupid thoughts of nothingness more than you can possibly imagine. You may notice your boyfriend/husband/friend-with-benefits sitting there with a look on his face like he's trying to divide 2,456,270 by 342 or with a simple smile. This is what it means: he is working through a question or has come to the conclusion and is obviously pleased with himself.
Some examples of these questions may be:
- If Wolverine had bone claws, how the crap did they change into blades?!? Shouldn't they be awesome bone-shaped spikes??!?
- If IRONMAN needed an electromagnet to keep shrapnel from reaching his heart, why does he have a nuclear reactor in there now? and what the hell happened to his heart? Did he remove it with the shrapnel still in there?
- So, we call older ladies on the prowl Cougars...and a black one is a Panther..do we call Latina women Jaguars? And do you need to say "Latina women"? Doesn't "Latina" in and of itself mean that we are talking about a woman?
Ladies, in the words of George W. Bush, please don't misunderestimate the stupidity of men. If you need further proof, feel free to tune in and watch THE DEADLIEST WARRIOR. Every man has wondered if a Ninja could defeat a Spartan. We never stopped asking this question. Instead, we now have a team of specialists and a state-of-the-art facility to reach a scientifically proven conclusion.
Unless you are ready to discuss (and possibly debate) these earth shattering questions, it may be best to let your mate sit there in his happy stupor.
Gentlemen, no need for thanks, but I do take donations ;)
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Me: Sexy is as Sexy does
I recently posed this question to my FB family: Was I shy in high school? Some believe that I was the shy-guy while others contend I was the nice-guy. I was on a crusade to discover the truth! As I should have imagined, the response that ensued was viral (this is part of the curse of being me).
In a shocking twist, one of my "friends" stated that I was shy and wanted to know when I had become "obsessed" with my own sexiness. I was completely thrown by this. Was she questioning my sexiness? Had she not seen pictures of me? Had she not read the stories, true and exaggerated? Had she not heard my silky, smooth phone-sex voice? She actually KNOWS me and is questioning my over-all attractiveness! Obviously my quest for the truth had abruptly ended. I had to educate the masses on irresistible-me and on the general idea of "sexiness."
As any man will tell you sexiness is much more than good looks, this is not to say that I'm not ridiculously good-looking, but there is more to it. Gentlemen, we have all seen smokin' hot ladies...but every so often a true SEXY woman will come across. She may not be the hottest woman in the room, but you cannot help but notice her. You're drawn into her for reasons you can't understand. You try not to look, you try not to smile, but like Ronald McDonald performing for Ritalin-laced children, you do all that you can to make yourself noticed while looking like a clown. This effect is something that I like to call "sex on a plate." Nelly is walking-sex-on-a-plate. This is why we're married. The DD's, the Spanish accent, the full lips - all of this adds to the effect, but it is deeper than over all looks.
One of the sexiest men I have ever met is 5'7, 240lbs, dark, and hairy all over. When he wears a tank top it's like two legs are poking out of his body where arms should be; he rocks an I HEART NYC shirt that doesn't cover all of his belly; he once wore a 1970's porn-style mustache. His nickname is "Big Sexy". Now, most of you ladies are probably throwing up a little in your mouth right now. That's understandable based on my description. What I fail to put into words is the confidence that Big Sexy walks with - the sheer sexiness that oozes out of his very being. He is not the best looking man in the room, but he will be noticed and the ladies will adore him. In his own words: chicks dig hairy dudes [ya they do].
This is a frame of mind that cannot be altered. Something in my very soul tells me that my sexiness is God-gifted. I believe that God blesses you so that you may bless others. With great sexiness, comes great responsibility. Sexy is as Sexy does. Sexiness is not a privileged, it is a gift, and you use it for the good of mankind. Am I the best looking man in the room? Usually. Am I the greatest dancer on the floor at any given time? That's a reasonable assumption. Am I one of the sexiest creatures that you will ever have the pleasure to meet? Undoubtedly!
To answer the question "when did I become obsessed with my own sexiness?" - I really can't say when I noticed it all. If you see my Montclair High School Senior Class picture (shout out to Class of 93!) you will see that I have always been blessed with good looks. To date, it is one of my favorite pictures of me. One would think that I would have pieced it all together back then. I must have been something of a late bloomer; I didn't notice my incredible good looks until the late teen years. I can't remember when I started looking in the mirror and saying "OH MY...some one call the vet cuz this puppy is SICK!"....but I can't remember not ever saying it either....
I hope this gives you all some insight in to how my mind works. This is probably an important post as everything that I blog about will be from that perspective.
Thank you all for reading, I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. In the words of Mr. Spock - GRIND HARD AND PRO$PER
Big up's to 3Kings clothing; I stole that last line and have the shirt to prove it
In a shocking twist, one of my "friends" stated that I was shy and wanted to know when I had become "obsessed" with my own sexiness. I was completely thrown by this. Was she questioning my sexiness? Had she not seen pictures of me? Had she not read the stories, true and exaggerated? Had she not heard my silky, smooth phone-sex voice? She actually KNOWS me and is questioning my over-all attractiveness! Obviously my quest for the truth had abruptly ended. I had to educate the masses on irresistible-me and on the general idea of "sexiness."
As any man will tell you sexiness is much more than good looks, this is not to say that I'm not ridiculously good-looking, but there is more to it. Gentlemen, we have all seen smokin' hot ladies...but every so often a true SEXY woman will come across. She may not be the hottest woman in the room, but you cannot help but notice her. You're drawn into her for reasons you can't understand. You try not to look, you try not to smile, but like Ronald McDonald performing for Ritalin-laced children, you do all that you can to make yourself noticed while looking like a clown. This effect is something that I like to call "sex on a plate." Nelly is walking-sex-on-a-plate. This is why we're married. The DD's, the Spanish accent, the full lips - all of this adds to the effect, but it is deeper than over all looks.
One of the sexiest men I have ever met is 5'7, 240lbs, dark, and hairy all over. When he wears a tank top it's like two legs are poking out of his body where arms should be; he rocks an I HEART NYC shirt that doesn't cover all of his belly; he once wore a 1970's porn-style mustache. His nickname is "Big Sexy". Now, most of you ladies are probably throwing up a little in your mouth right now. That's understandable based on my description. What I fail to put into words is the confidence that Big Sexy walks with - the sheer sexiness that oozes out of his very being. He is not the best looking man in the room, but he will be noticed and the ladies will adore him. In his own words: chicks dig hairy dudes [ya they do].
This is a frame of mind that cannot be altered. Something in my very soul tells me that my sexiness is God-gifted. I believe that God blesses you so that you may bless others. With great sexiness, comes great responsibility. Sexy is as Sexy does. Sexiness is not a privileged, it is a gift, and you use it for the good of mankind. Am I the best looking man in the room? Usually. Am I the greatest dancer on the floor at any given time? That's a reasonable assumption. Am I one of the sexiest creatures that you will ever have the pleasure to meet? Undoubtedly!
To answer the question "when did I become obsessed with my own sexiness?" - I really can't say when I noticed it all. If you see my Montclair High School Senior Class picture (shout out to Class of 93!) you will see that I have always been blessed with good looks. To date, it is one of my favorite pictures of me. One would think that I would have pieced it all together back then. I must have been something of a late bloomer; I didn't notice my incredible good looks until the late teen years. I can't remember when I started looking in the mirror and saying "OH MY...some one call the vet cuz this puppy is SICK!"....but I can't remember not ever saying it either....
I hope this gives you all some insight in to how my mind works. This is probably an important post as everything that I blog about will be from that perspective.
Thank you all for reading, I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. In the words of Mr. Spock - GRIND HARD AND PRO$PER
Big up's to 3Kings clothing; I stole that last line and have the shirt to prove it
Saturday, May 1, 2010
How I met my wife: A string of broken hearts
Every so often I'm asked "how did your wife luck out and end up landing you?" I have to admit that this is one of my all time favorite stories. I would like to simply say that the stars aligned, the heavens opened up and I was standing there in a wash of magnificent light and she was drawn to me. That would only be half of the story.
This story actually goes back quite a bit further and requires some background info. I had met a girl from Chino, CA and we began to date off-and-on during my high school years. Things were never really serious and when I graduated (shout out to MHS Class of 93) I was off to see the world! After 4 years in the U.S. Army (stories for another time) I came home to Montclair, CA.
About a month after being home with mom and dad, I got a phone call out of the blue. Why yes, it was that girl from Chino. Since I will get sued if I use real names, we will call her Tequila. Tequila and I began our on-again-off-again relationship. Turned out that Tequila's BESTEST FRIEND EVER was Nelly aka the Future Mrs. Flores.
I'm sure we can all see where this story is going - which only serves to feed my legend. After a few years of Nelly and I making eye's and sexual advances towards each other, I felt it was time to step it up. I asked Nelly on date.
Now this is when things get completely awesome. As any man will tell you; this is the #1 fantasy - I am going to get with my girlfriend's best friend.
Being the suave gentleman that I am, the choice for our fist date was obvious: dancing. Not only would I be able to show case my talents, but I could drink, grind hard, and prosper. What could go wrong?
So we drive up in my lifted Super Sport Dodge Ram, Silver - don't hate. As we got out and were walking up to the line of drunks and skanks at Camacho's, I pulled her into me and we had our first kiss. She was digging me - who wouldn't right? We walk in and I'm feeling good. We go to the bar and ask for a couple of cocktails (love that word). They must have misheard my order because they charged me $14 for 2 drinks. At this I say "WHAT THE!? I DIDN'T ORDER THE BOTTLE!" This may have been a miscalculation on my part. I see that Nelly is not too happy with that response.
I'm losing her fast and in a panic - I'm about to miss out on the #1 fantasy of every man! I down my $10 rum-n-coke (had to tip) and look to the dance floor. NO ONE IS DANCING! This is my perfect moment. I ask Nelly to dance and she looks at me like I have completely lost my mind. She says "There's no one dancing. No one is out there." Looking ridiculously handsome, I stare into her eyes and say "right...everyone will be able to see me..."
I pull my SMOKIN HOT date onto the dance floor and make my way to the center. As the music takes over my body the inevitable happens - the stars aligned, the heavens opened up and I was standing there in a wash of magnificent light and she was drawn to me.
Nelly really never stood a chance. She forgot all about her BFE Tequila and was in love.
This story is 100% the way I remember it.
This story actually goes back quite a bit further and requires some background info. I had met a girl from Chino, CA and we began to date off-and-on during my high school years. Things were never really serious and when I graduated (shout out to MHS Class of 93) I was off to see the world! After 4 years in the U.S. Army (stories for another time) I came home to Montclair, CA.
About a month after being home with mom and dad, I got a phone call out of the blue. Why yes, it was that girl from Chino. Since I will get sued if I use real names, we will call her Tequila. Tequila and I began our on-again-off-again relationship. Turned out that Tequila's BESTEST FRIEND EVER was Nelly aka the Future Mrs. Flores.
I'm sure we can all see where this story is going - which only serves to feed my legend. After a few years of Nelly and I making eye's and sexual advances towards each other, I felt it was time to step it up. I asked Nelly on date.
Now this is when things get completely awesome. As any man will tell you; this is the #1 fantasy - I am going to get with my girlfriend's best friend.
Being the suave gentleman that I am, the choice for our fist date was obvious: dancing. Not only would I be able to show case my talents, but I could drink, grind hard, and prosper. What could go wrong?
So we drive up in my lifted Super Sport Dodge Ram, Silver - don't hate. As we got out and were walking up to the line of drunks and skanks at Camacho's, I pulled her into me and we had our first kiss. She was digging me - who wouldn't right? We walk in and I'm feeling good. We go to the bar and ask for a couple of cocktails (love that word). They must have misheard my order because they charged me $14 for 2 drinks. At this I say "WHAT THE!? I DIDN'T ORDER THE BOTTLE!" This may have been a miscalculation on my part. I see that Nelly is not too happy with that response.
I'm losing her fast and in a panic - I'm about to miss out on the #1 fantasy of every man! I down my $10 rum-n-coke (had to tip) and look to the dance floor. NO ONE IS DANCING! This is my perfect moment. I ask Nelly to dance and she looks at me like I have completely lost my mind. She says "There's no one dancing. No one is out there." Looking ridiculously handsome, I stare into her eyes and say "right...everyone will be able to see me..."
I pull my SMOKIN HOT date onto the dance floor and make my way to the center. As the music takes over my body the inevitable happens - the stars aligned, the heavens opened up and I was standing there in a wash of magnificent light and she was drawn to me.
Nelly really never stood a chance. She forgot all about her BFE Tequila and was in love.
This story is 100% the way I remember it.
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