Simple Men, Simple Minds

Have you ever had a thought run through your mind so fast that it took longer to explain than experience?

Like most guys, random thoughts of nothingness race along happily and uninhibited in the paradise of my mind on a daily basis. These wayward pieces of bliss hit me at breakneck speeds and can strike at any second. Like a Chuck Norris roundhouse to the face, there is no warning before I am engulfed in the sheer awesomeness that is my brain.

I would like to share with you all a chain of ideas/questions/thoughts that ran through my mind as single instance - and happened in a flash. Before I can do this, I must introduce some characters to the audience:

RyuKen. RyuKen is a singer/musician. To say that he is talented would be a gross understatement. If you could take the very degree of my sexiness and some how use that as a level of measurement, only then could you grasp just how much this kid truly rocks. He is in his early to mid 20's and can get down with the best of them.

Big H. So Big H is a tall, black man. Like RyuKen, he is singer with a powerful voice. He is so smooth that he makes it look effortless. My wife once said that he has "a beautiful voice." I have never gotten over that comment. Big H married himself a Fine Black Panther - for you slow people, that means she's a cougar, but black.

Fine Black Panther. She is a cougar, but black and married to Big H.

And now the story begins...

I was at church with my hot wife and service was just getting started. Like most bible-based churches, we begin with a live band playing songs of worship. While we are enjoying the show, I tilt my head ever so slightly and smirk. Nelly who is always watching and judging me innocently asks "What are you thinking?" What follows is the answer that I gave her...

"I was standing here listening to RyuKen and was thinking 'man this kid is UBER-TALENTED!
He's all like Give it up!
The Lord Jesus is in the house!
Let's get our Christ on.
Let's kick it Jesus style.
Y'all wanna walk with the ultimate rebel, right?
The ultimate CEO?
The biggest celebrity of them all?
Who's down with G.O.D?
I'm down with the G.O.D!
That's right!
Jesus Rules!
Jesus Rules!'
Then he broke into his song. He was standing there all cool-style. RyuKen and his Flying guitar [I love that movie]. So then I thought 'Man, what an awesome gift! He'll be able to sing like that forever, even when he's old.' Then I thought 'Man, Big H sings like that too! He's all buh buh buh buh buh buh buh to Fine Black Panther...I bet she thinks she's all bad when he sings to her during her birthdays and parties n stuff...I bet that makes her wanna tattoo BIG H across her heart! He'll be able to do that for years...you can never not sing...look at NKOTB.' Then I thought to myself 'I wonder if I should surprise Nelly and take some voice lessons? She would love for me to get up in the middle of a packed house and sing PLEASE DON'T GO GIIIIIIIRL, TELL ME YOU'LL STAAAAAAAYYYYY, I NEED YOU, (i need you).' Then I thought 'would I rather be able to sing or to dance?' It really wasn't a question at all because there is no question about it. I would would rather be able to bring that ISH on the dance floor and work out my bi-laterals and bicuspids [reference to Norbit]. That's what I was thinking."

Silence. Watching. Judging.

Nelly finally says "what is wrong with you?"

That entire thought lasted less than a full second, but I was happy with myself.

Ladies, men have stupid thoughts of nothingness more than you can possibly imagine. You may notice your boyfriend/husband/friend-with-benefits sitting there with a look on his face like he's trying to divide 2,456,270 by 342 or with a simple smile. This is what it means: he is working through a question or has come to the conclusion and is obviously pleased with himself.

Some examples of these questions may be:

• If Wolverine had bone claws, how the crap did they change into blades?!? Shouldn't they be awesome bone-shaped spikes??!?
• If IRONMAN needed an electromagnet to keep shrapnel from reaching his heart, why does he have a nuclear reactor in there now? and what the hell happened to his heart? Did he remove it with the shrapnel still in there?
• So, we call older ladies on the prowl Cougars...and a black one is a Panther..do we call Latina women Jaguars? And do you need to say "Latina women"? Doesn't "Latina" in and of itself mean that we are talking about a woman?

Ladies, in the words of George W. Bush, please don't misunderestimate the stupidity of men. If you need further proof, feel free to tune in and watch THE DEADLIEST WARRIOR. Every man has wondered if a Ninja could defeat a Spartan. We never stopped asking this question. Instead, we now have a team of specialists and a state-of-the-art facility to reach a scientifically proven conclusion.

Unless you are ready to discuss (and possibly debate) these earth shattering questions, it may be best to let your mate sit there in his happy stupor.

Gentlemen, no need for thanks, but I do take donations ;)