Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Completely True Made-Up Story of How I Broke My Back

Ok readers, we need to clear a few things up. As many of you are aware,  I am on the road to recovery after suffering a broken back. When news hit that I was down, rumors abounded; mostly because my sexiness was in danger. Others were just haters and glad that I was out of the running for People's "Sexiest Man Alive". As if....

Today I am setting the record straight! Not only will I put these rumors to rest, I will finally reveal how I was left broken and shattered. Of all the possibilities that can break a man's back, only a few were spread about my greatness:
  1. I broke myself during a dance battle
  2. Nelly broke me during a vigorous sexual encounter
  3. During a gymnastic display, I zigged when I should of zagged
I will address these in order.

STEP UP: I completely understand how dancing was top of the list. I would rank the believability of this rumor at 98%. Why so high? Because everyone that knows me knows that I rarely turn down a battle. With a personal soundtrack playing in my head, I AM ALWAYS READY TO GO. Here is how the story goes: I was at the club with my crew breakin fools off and talkin about their mamas'. While in a drunken stupor, I was challenged to a solo dance-off. Jack G. Gargoylewitz IX walked up to me with his crew (The Holy Rollies) and said something to the effect of  "I got sum'in real fo yo azz n deez feet!" Without a word, I slapped him, and made my way to the center of the dance floor. From there, I was a combination of David and Elgin from You Got Served - I looked more like Marques Houston, but the part were he was dancing in the rain without a shirt. Of course, Jack G. Gargoylewitz IX was a combination of Wade and Max - which is fitting because he does his hair like Wade. So there we were. All eyes on us. Two superhuman-dance-icons locked in an epic battle of epic proportions that was purely epic. The story continues, we were going move for move, lock for lock, pop for pop, tut for tat. As I was ready to put him down for the count, I went for the killer kombo: Elbow Air Flare-Munchmill-Gorillas. On my 3rd flare my elbow slipped into a spilled sour-apple-martini. I twisted and flailed around landing in a crumbled heap. In slow motion, I heard Jack announced as the winner. In a fashion that is all too much Jack G. Gargoylewitz IX, he walked up and kicked me the back (breaking it) then whispering, "You got served, biznitch."

The true story is that Jack did beat me in a RAZOR-THIN battle that left us both bruised but not broken. He has since been practicing daily - should we meet other in battle again.

Kama Sutra. I would put the believability up around 99% - who isn't up for new and exciting moves that require stamina and the ability to be bendy like liquorish?  Let us rattle off a few possibilities:
  • The Brazilian Cowboy - you have to love those Brazilians; they are true innovators. Any move that has a Cowboy and a Brazilian has to be tried at least once. 
  • The English Bagel - this is a cleverly disguised "French Butler," but since no one really likes the french since dubya dubya 2, the British put their own twist on the move. They substituted bangers-n-mash for the honey and strawberries....then added tongs. This is complicated poetry.
  • The Lemon Wedge - really nothing more than a modified Orange Bang that uses the left foot as a rudder.

Of course we are married and do what married people do. None of these moves/positions can break a back - the swing takes all the pressure off the spine.

Gymkata A less known rumor has to do with a mix of music and gymnastics - this is all about performance. As this story goes, I was working with RyuKen on some new chords. RyuKen just doesn't play the guitar and sing; he is living, breathing entertainment. So he has me in a power-stance rocking out. From there, I'm supposed to do a back handspring, back tuck, land in "man splits" then pop up and continue with my song. I hit the back handspring and going into my back tuck when the cord from my amp gets wrapped around my legs. I land off-kilter and go crashing into the drum set and take a Hi-Hat to the center of my spine, severing my nerves and leaving me paralyzed. Believability at 4%

The truth is that RyuKen has moved on to greater things and won't give me the time of day. He is in league with Jack G Gargoylewitz IX

Now for the real story:

I was out enjoying some cold, frosty beverages. I was taking a night off from crime-fighting. I had just finished up 72 straight hours of rounding up super criminals and felt like a brew doggie was well deserved. As I'm relaxing, in walks a masked luchador and starts hassling the bar patrons. He is a short, powerfully built man - as wide as he is tall. He is shirtless, completely waxed and oiled up - this is a sure sign of aggression from a luchador. His name is "El Lobo Fuerte", it was stitched across his tights. As a side-note,  I believe that means "The Fierce Lion" in some dead language. He comes over and starts rattling something off to me in spanish. I explain that I'm from SoCal and don't speak a word of "espanol". This sends El Lobo into a rage! A great battle ensues. We are locked in mortal combat. I am putting these soup-bones on him. He is dazed and in an act of desperation, he grabs me. El Lobo is freakishly strong for being only 5'5. He lifts me overhead and crashes my back down over his knee. He then puts me into a suplex and I fly into a table, back first. He is not done and does a flying elbow to my lower back. I'm down but not out. Feeling enraged, I hulk up and grab El Lobo. I fling him into the wall face first. As he falls, I drop a big leg across his chest and he's out!

I leave the bar and head outside for some air. There I'm confronted by a Kung-Fu master that has been hunting me for years. He is upset that I have been teaching non-Asians the secrets of martial arts. He is here to make sure that I never teach again. He jumps into a Tiger stance - this is a  powerful style...but my Kung Fu is strong. I go with Eastern Dragon style. The battle lasts less than a minute but is packed full of combinations and strikes that would blind most men. After missing a wing strike, I was kicked in the center of my weakened back with a flying side kick. The strike was blazing! I am unsure if I can move. With my superhuman strength, I summon all of my awesomeness and stand back up. In a flash I use the secret of Miagi-Do Family Karate and knock out my foe.

Bruised and weakened, I start out for a long walk home. Half way there, on a long country road, I see a cow falling from the sky and it lands in front of me. It was gross. As I look out into the horizon I see what I think is a massive bull. This bull is the size of a bus - not a full yellow bus, but a VW bus from the 70's. I see that this bull is angry - like an old man trying to send soup back to the kitchen. As he is charging towards me, I notice that something is not quite right. He seems to be running on his hind legs. Then it hits me! THIS IS NO BULL! IT IS A MINOTAUR! I know that I'm in for a gladiator-style fight. The winner will be the one left alive. He lowers his head and rushes me. I take him by the horns and stand firm. He throws a left hook to my body and I go flying into a tree. He rushes again and this time connects - I am put through the tree. My back was a battering ram and the tree the Gates of Camelot. I can barely breath and am lying against a huge tree. I know that the end is near. It must have been a rush of adrenalin that allowed me to move. As the minotaur lowers his head for the final blow, I fling myself out of the way. A single horn is stuck in the tree that was propping me up. As he struggles to break free, he shatters the stuck horn. He is reeling in pain and I have to act fast. I use all the supernatural strength that I have left and pull the the horn lose. The minotaur is up again and charging. I stand my ground and lunge at the beast, plunging his horn deep into his chest. He falls into heap and I collapse. I can no longer move. The 3 battles have taken their toll - my back is broken.

So that's my story. This is completely how I remember it. I mean, really...who would believe that I was walking around Nashville and feeling achy? Then, after arriving home, while lying in bed I sneezed and my body was set on fire - herniating two disks and causing nerve compression...

Now, like Bruce Wayne and Bruce Lee before him, I am on the road to recovery. They both emerged better versions of themselves. As hard as it is to believe, I will be even better than I was - I know...crazy huh.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Lucky Lady or How Nelly Caught Me

I was thinking the other day, "How did Nelly get so lucky, and not only catch me, but keep me?" Was it just pure hotness? Did she have some kind of voodoo spell over me? Was it the hotness and the spell working together? As I pondered this, I began thinking back on childhood crushes. Now, these aren't crushes on real people, but crushes I had when I was a little tyke (much like my champ is today). I could only think of 3:
Some of you that know me may be thinking that I omitted Thelma from Goodtimes - she wasn't a childhood crush; that crush started in the 90's and ended the day I met Nelly.

Going back to my childhood, we see some simple, but drastic similarities among the 3 ladies fore-mentioned. If we were to stand them all next to each other, in a line, very very close to each other, we see that they have 2 really BIG features in common. The more we stare at them, the more apparent they become. That's right! They are all brunette with brown eyes!

Nelly also has brown hair and the most beautiful brown eyes I have ever seen. As a side note, baby-girl's eyes are a very close second. Was it all really that simple? Of course I like brown hair and brown eyes, but was my animalistic attraction only based on those features? When I looked closer, I saw the resemblance to my childhood crushes was much deeper.

Mary Ann - She is sweet, old-fashioned, friendly, the-girl-next-door; and despite all these differences, she still reminds me of Nelly. It may be because she's short. I'm just playing :)  My Nelly is all of those things and so much more. Nelly is very compassionate and is a friend to everyone. Remember how Mary Ann was always there for Gilligan? That's how Nelly's friendships are - she is there for everyone. And she's short.

Wonder Woman - She is an Amazon Warrior! If you were to challenge her to a duel, she would win and possibly talk about your mama as she did so. This is the Nelly that I love! The fiery beast that will cut someone given the chance. This isn't a contrast to Mary Ann - this is a defense mechanism. Wonder Woman protected the innocent, Nelly protects her herd. They also have a great sense of style - Nelly has an assortment of clothes that cause mere mortals to stop and stare. Some of you may be saying, "HEY! Wonder Woman doesn't have brown eyes!" To that I say, "She can stop bullets...and did you see her costume?"

Elvira - She may be the one that reminds me of Nelly the most. When I was younger, I didn't know why Elvira captured my attention so much - I know now. It's her big, bubbly, bodacious personality and her awesome sense of humor. Nelly is ridiculously funny and has great comedic timing (almost as good as me). One of my buddies put it best, "You and Nelly are perfectly crazy for each other." He didn't mean that we were crazy in love for one another; he meant that our varying degrees of craziness where in perfect sync for us to be the ultimate compliment to each other - think of yin and yang or peanut-butter and jelly. Perfect balance. Elvira is easily one of the funniest people on the planet. Very quick-witted and she owns an awesome couch. I can hear some more complaints, "HEY! Elvira doesn't have brown eyes!"  To you haters, I say, "Elvira has eyes???"

Nelly is the combination of all my childhood crushes rolled into one sexy person. She is short, wears small, tight clothes, and has Double-D's (Mary Ann, Wonder Woman, and Elvira respectively). And she is a brunette with beautiful honey-golden eyes. I didn't stand a chance. It's like she's all sparkly like Edward and I'm Bella - everything about her draws me in. But I'm really Jacob, not really, but yes I am. It's no wonder that she caught me and made herself the luckiest woman in this world.

To my beautiful wife, I salute you! I salute your perfect you-ness that I can't get enough of!