I would love to blame this all on my broken back. I'd like to suggest that the 3 rounds of epidurals and the final surgery that severed my back muscles was all to blame. Truth is I love food. My steady diet of stuff-crust pizza and chili-cheese dogs has finally done me in. And I can't discount the tots - they are little golden-fried pieces of heaven.
Now I sit as a blob. Not just any blob; but a blob that acts as a monument to a once great and sexy man. I know what some of you are thinking...that a few extra pounds won't make a difference. I am here to assure you that they do. I can't get into my skinny jeans. Not even when I do the trick. The closest I'll get to showing off a six pack at the pool is if the HOA will allow brew-doggies passed the gate. I have to go commando so that my shorts will fit...well, I would go commando in any case. But still, this layer of fat and apathy has softened my once rugged features. I'm no longer ruggedly handsome; not even classically handsome. I am now "that cute husky guy."
You men know what I'm talking about. Ladies, let me help you out with this. All men (starts around the 10th grade) will look at a heavier-set girl and make comments like these:
- She's cute, but she'd be HOT if she dropped 15 lbs
- Ya know, the cute husky girl?
- She has a really pretty face
- She's really cool
Now I'm that girl...er...guy. I'm the cute husky cool guy with a pretty face that would be HOT if I dropped 30 lbs.
I'm so used to be the sexiest man in the room that I'm a little distraught. I don't know if I should just accept this and take advantage of any Papa John's latest deals. Should I just have a brownie sundae with extra brownie...and extra sundae?
I thought of doing a video series of me struggling to lose weight. I called MTV and was told that I was not enough of an ass-clown to get a series...they also muttered something along the lines of "we want someone that can't spell contract negotiation"...
I then thought of doing a self-produced, self-starring, self-recorded, self-edited video diary - but we all know I'm too humble for something like that.
So, this is what I plan to do. I will share my
sexy greatness with you all! This is cyberspace! I can be anyone! I'm still 3 times as great as anyone else you know in real life! So of course you will keep reading and sharing this blog. What am I crazy!?! To think some baby weight could keep me from being awesome!? That's crazy talk!
I know that I need to get my food under control. I know that I need to exercise. Well, all I can do is walk...doc says I can't do ANYTHING until the muscle is completely healed. This is bad news - I have a ShakeWeight just sitting here...it's the big gray one, cuz I'm a man. Now it just lies in the corner; unshaken. What am I supposed to do for dynamic-inertia?!?? Not being able to exercise was an excuse for my chocolate dipped strawberry waffle ball breakfasts for a few weeks. But, NO MORE!
Veggies, lean meats, complex carbs, and me shirtless in biker shorts doing laps around the neighborhood. I may get arrested for indecent exposure. I'm hoping that my fans will bail me out.
To the haters: Suck It!
To my millions of fans: I love you like I love chocolate cake!
To cyberspace: You're Welcome!