Monday, July 11, 2011

The Day the Sexy Died

Not sure if my sexy is dead; but it's in a coma at the very least. A fat/food induced coma. Today I am tipping the scales at 204 lbs.

I would love to blame this all on my broken back. I'd like to suggest that the 3 rounds of epidurals and the final surgery that severed my  back muscles was all to blame. Truth is I love food. My steady diet of stuff-crust pizza and chili-cheese dogs has finally done me in. And I can't discount the tots - they are little golden-fried pieces of heaven.

Now I sit as a blob. Not just any blob; but a blob that acts as a monument to a once great and sexy man. I know what some of you are thinking...that a few extra pounds won't make a difference. I am here to assure you that they do. I can't get into my skinny jeans. Not even when I do the trick. The closest I'll get to showing off a six pack at the pool is if the HOA will allow brew-doggies passed the gate. I have to go commando so that my shorts will fit...well, I would go commando in any case. But still, this layer of fat and apathy has softened my once rugged features. I'm no longer ruggedly handsome; not even classically handsome. I am now "that cute husky guy."

You men know what I'm talking about. Ladies, let me help you out with this. All men (starts around the 10th grade) will look at a heavier-set girl and make comments like these:

  • She's cute, but she'd be HOT if she dropped 15 lbs
  • Ya know, the cute husky girl?
  • She has a really pretty face
  • She's really cool
Now I'm that I'm the cute husky cool guy with a pretty face that would be HOT if I dropped 30 lbs. 

I'm so used to be the sexiest man in the room that I'm a little distraught. I don't know if I should just accept this and take advantage of any Papa John's latest deals. Should I just have a brownie sundae with extra brownie...and extra sundae?

I thought of doing a video series of me struggling to lose weight. I called MTV and was told that I was not enough of an ass-clown to get a series...they also muttered something along the lines of "we want someone that can't spell contract negotiation"...

I then thought of doing a self-produced, self-starring, self-recorded, self-edited video diary - but we all know I'm too humble for something like that.

So, this is what I plan to do. I will share my sexy greatness with you all! This is cyberspace! I can be anyone! I'm still 3 times as great as anyone else you know in real life! So of course you will keep reading and sharing this blog. What am I crazy!?! To think some baby weight could keep me from being awesome!? That's crazy talk!

I know that I need to get my food under control. I know that I need to exercise. Well, all I can do is walk...doc says I can't do ANYTHING until the muscle is completely healed. This is bad news - I have a ShakeWeight just sitting's the big gray one, cuz I'm a man. Now it just lies in the corner; unshaken. What am I  supposed to do for dynamic-inertia?!?? Not being able to exercise was an excuse for my chocolate dipped strawberry waffle ball breakfasts for a few weeks. But, NO MORE!

Veggies, lean meats, complex carbs, and me shirtless in biker shorts doing laps around the neighborhood. I may get arrested for indecent exposure. I'm hoping that my fans will bail me out.

To the haters: Suck It! 
To my millions of fans: I love you like I love chocolate cake!
To cyberspace: You're Welcome!


  1. LMBO!!!! Ur a sexy chubby guy... well not chubby, but fluffy! You're loved either way!

  2. Mmmm... You said Chocolate Cake!! I think your legions of fans love you any way you are. I'll have something deep fried and smothered in Chocolate in your honor. Because I am a good friend like that. hahahaha

  3. You're getting exercise-cake on the table to cake in your mouth. It has to get there somehow. It's cakexercise!


  4. Yes.. I too used to be a melting pot of masculinity, but after marriage and 3 kids I morphed into the man you see now! So there is two things you can do, 1.. is punish your body with a rigorous daily work out and eat tasteless food or 2.. find a chick that digs big dudes... Thank God for my chubby chaser!

  5. I'm really cool too. ;) Frak the haters, relax, you're loved for your inside, even if that inside is full of brownie sundaes and pizza.(wonders if she has anything GOOD to eat in her apt.That kid has to have hidden candy somewhere......)
    much love to you! <3 :D