Broken Money Maker

This just in: Famous Ray has been severely injured. In a freak training accident, he inadvertently broke his Money Maker. More as it becomes available....

Good people of cyberspace, it is with a heavy heart and solemn soul that I address you tonight. This morning I broke my ish. Well, it's not broken, but it F'n HURTS! I was working it this morning and smashed it into a pad and tweaked it. Like any man, I winced in pain but kept on banging away. I wrapped it up a little tighter and went for another 30 minutes - didn't think much of it, figured the pain would go away. I took a shower to cool down (ladies, you're welcome for the visual) and it was ok in there. Got dressed (sorry ladies), went to work and things were going well......then, 2 o' clock hit. It felt like my Money Maker had was speared with a javelin! I've never seen a javelin so I'm not sure how big it is or if it can even spear anything...It felt like my Money Maker was smashed by the Hammer of Thor! I don't know if it will ever be the same. This was the first time that I had to think about alternative ways to make money. How would I make a living?

I could probably continue to send in photos to Playgirl - but this is my vacation money. What would I do if this was my sole income? More importantly, what would I do for vacation money!? To pull this off, I would have to stay brown all year long - not easy in Texas. I would have to stay in peak physical condition - not easy in Texas. I would have stay oiled up for a moment's notice photo opp. This isn't so bad, but I have a leather interior...may slide right off. I would have to keep a deep repertoire of nekkid poses. Maybe do some side work at the local college as a nude model. Don't think that would be enough to fund a nice vacation though. Would make parent-teacher conferences a little difficult. Our school system frowns upon nude adults walking on campus. Going to have to keep this as a part-time extra money thing.

I could be a reality TV star. I'm sure that I could trash it up enough to make it interesting for weekly episodes. I may have to purchase more banana slings. Definitely get a full body wax. Maybe start having an affair or two so that the ratings stay up (Nelly would come at me with her knife - great for ratings). From there I could launch my own clothing line. Release a never-before-seen sex tape. Move to California and open a clothing boutique. Design my own shoes. Some how not having any talent will get you on TV. After that, you can continue to not have talent and make more money with anything you do - people will purchase ANYTHING because they identify with you based on your non-talent-ass being on TV. Maybe this won't work for me since everyone knows I'm uber-talented - I would never qualify for a TV series.

I could start my own alcohol line. I would call it "MEXICAN STANDOFF." The slogan: Finally a Mexican Standoff where everyone wins! With a name like that, it would have to be tequila. And no one does tequila like Tequila, MX. I could spend some time living in Guadalajara. They have excellent food. Would eat torta ahogadas every night with garrafa ice cream for dessert. The weather is nice. As an added bonus, I could be brown all year long. People are beautiful. I could blend in with the masses [because I'm beautiful]. It's my kind of place. This sounds like the perfect solution to my Money Maker problem.....except for 1 very crucial detail. I don't speak spanish. Damn you Darwin!

That's it...I've exhausted every viable option. I never realized until today just how important my Money Maker really is. Without it, I wouldn't be able to make the bacon. I wouldn't be able to bring joy to the masses. Without my right hand, I wouldn't be able to do this blog any more. I'm going to keep it short tonight - my hand hurts like crazy. Need to ice it; need to rest it. The very joy of the world is depending on it.

One last note: To all of you that thought I was talking about my junk...I write this blog for you ;)