Chow Time

Any one that has served in the U.S. military can tell you that the food pretty much sucks. Not all of it, but most of it - especially the food that is served in the "Field." Field food starts out F'n awful and gradually gets better; better being "not so F'n awful."

In 1994 I was deployed to the island of Haiti and stationed in Port-au-Prince. As Third-world sh*t-holes go, this has to be in the top 5. When I arrived, I was a lean, mean 177 lb MACHINE! By the time we left, I was a 160 lb teenager that looked like he borrowed his dad's uniform to play soldier. How did I go from war-machine to a boyish figure you ask? 3 reasons: It was HOT, the food sucked, and it was HOT.

During my time, when deployed you ate MRE's for the first 30 days. An MRE is a Meal, Read-to-Eat. It should really be called AIAB for Ass, In-a-Bag. Some vets will profess that the MRE is a great meal and will continue to eat them even when State-side. These people obviously are not the food connoisseur that I am and are deranged. The MRE contains a disgusting main dish, some crappy sides, and a horrible dessert. The most dreaded of the desserts is easily the "OATMEAL COOKIE BAR" also known as the "cork." To eat even half of this rectangular mesh of cardboard and raisins will stop production for at least 2 days. If you try to push through during this "stop-work" time, you can blow out an O-ring. So for 30 days we ate MRE's. Not 3 a day, but just 1. The food was so bad that we would actually stretch out a single MRE to last 12 hours. Besides the MRE, we had delicious water.

After the 30 days, we went from MRE's to C-rations. This is when things get good! I know that it's not really a "C-ration" since those were discontinued in the 40's; but we call them that so that we can say "SEE! There is something just as bad as the MRE!" So, what ever this food was, it came in tins. Think of a lasagna pan that was packed with nasty tasting food, then sealed up and sent out to the service men and women fighting a war.

The rations that I ate EVERY morning was a block/hunk of omelet, MRE bread, and water. For MONTHS, I ate this. I would wake up, get dressed, head over to the chow-line and get a hunk of eggs. Sometimes the eggs were yellow, sometimes they were orange. No matter really, neither looked like eggs. Just imagine a sheet cake. Now, instead of cake, think of a sponge (yellow or orange). Now, cut that sponge into squares, and now you have your very own military omelet. I didn't really understand just how bad this food was for quite sometime. I knew that it sucked in every way possible, but the depth of suckeditude was beyond me.

You see, after we returned home from Operation Uphold Democracy, life went on as normal back in the States. After about 12-18 months of being State-side I was assigned to funeral detail with Sgt. Glemensky. Sgt. Glemensky was my team-lead since we were deployed to Haiti and we got along great - he was like a big brother and always watched out for me. Firm but fair and great man. About a week into our detail, a funeral came up in Pennsylvania. The funeral detail is like what you see on TV. We have a team that will carry the casket, fold the flag, and present it to the family. A second team is on site to deliver the 21 guns salute that our service members deserve.

We had completed our detail and jumped on the bus headed back to New York. Just then, the patriarch of the family comes to our bus and declares that they are truly a military family and it would be an honor for us to have lunch with the grieving family. We usually do not do this, but this family would have considered it a dishonor.

I don't remember where we were going, but I do remember that I was sitting next to Sgt. Glemensky. When we arrived at the restaurant, Sgt Glemensky and I had a quick conversation:

Sgt Glemensky: Oh man! This place has the best bread pudding around
Famous Ray: Bread pudding? I've never had that. What is it?
You've had it before
No I haven't. I don't even know what it is
Yes you did. I was there when you ate it!
When!? Where!?
In Haiti
I NEVER had bread pudding in Haiti
Yeah you did, for breakfast
I always ate eggs for breakfast
Remember when your eggs were orange?
Yeah
That was bread pudding
I MADE A SANDWICH OUT OF THAT EVERY DAY! How come you didn't say anything!?!
Because you looked happy


And for years I went on eating generally bad food. Breakfast was always eggs with grits or hashbrowns, because in the military you are only allowed 1 starch.Apparently you could only have eggs or bread pudding as well. The U.S. Army has produced some of the greatest leaders of our time; none of which are Gordan Ramsey.