I May be on to Something

Dallas Jabbawockee is a friend of mine. Well, on my side he is considered a friend. I'm sure that he would classify me differently. Dallas is a business man so he only thinks along those lines. I would venture that he knows 3 basic classes of people: business partners, business clients, and business acquaintances. My guess is that I'm seen as a "Business Acquaintance" if not just a “Turd.” To say that he is an eccentric man would be like saying that Adam Lambert is kind of gay. Dallas has a very unique view on life,  so I like to talk to him as much as he will allow. It helps that his GF, Karen Krees, is one of Nelly's BFE's (Bestests Friends Ever!). So he's stuck seeing me when we visit Cali.

Dallas is somewhere between a Jonas Brother and Zack Efron - he has that build and style. By "build" I mean he's not as big as The Rock, but he could definitely whoop Shia LeBeouf.  By "style" I mean he rocks sandals, skinny jeans and Baby Gap t-shirts about 99% of the time. The other 1% he goes with the childs' medium size sweater, V-neck. He truly puts the “O!” in Metrosexual. .

We enjoy quick-witted exchanges to pass the time when he's forced to hang out with me (this is all to appease the woman of his dreams). Some pretty interesting conversations on just about any topic imaginable are had:

FamousRay: I was thinking about the Brazilian Cowboy the other day
Dallas: That sounds like a new sex position. I like those Brazilians; they are innovators
I thought the same thing. Then I thought about the traditional Cowgirl
As opposed to the reverse Cowgirl?
Correct. My thought what was "can gay people do the Cowgirl? Let's not even bring in variations. Wouldn't one of them need to be a female? Hence "CowGIRL'"

And on and on we go until Nelly or Karen interject on our stupidity. The day of the melon incident, we all had tickets for an urban dance tournament that lasted 5 hours. We were starving at the end of  show and found a place to sit, eat, and converse. Somewhere in the conversation, homosexuality was a quick topic:

I couldn't be gay. It's too much work. They are always working out, always at the gym, they have to look perfect all the time
Men are visual creatures. We are stimulated visually, not like women. So it makes sense that they want to look good all the time. That's how they keep their men.
I never thought about that. It makes perfect sense.

As a side note: I seem to be on the "gay” topic a lot here and this is bringing to mind Tennille. She hosted another ridiculously great Lesbian Party in honor of me being back in Cali [it may also have been her birthday]. As I walked in, I was the only man there with drunk lesbians dressed up as pirates - it was like being on set of a porn movie. Now, back to the action!

That quick little exchange about men vs ladies got me to thinking (I know, very dangerous). There is no doubt that men are visual creatures. We are like cheetahs waiting to pounce on a gazelle – visually stunning gazelles. Women are about the emotional content that a man can deliver. This is why you see an ubber hot chick with a dork. Men, who are shallow at best, would never do this. Johnny Depp, Hugh Jackman, or myself would never be seen with Rosie O'Donnell. For the most part, men are “reachers” and women are “settlers”. Men will “reach” for women that are more physical attractive than themselves and women “settle” for dorks that fulfill that emotional need. This is how I ended up with a sexy-ass Salvadorian wife.

The example below really brings all of these points to life:

Let us explore some more. Have you ever noticed that Maxim has the HOT 100; but People Magazine does SEXIEST MAN ALIVE? This is because men want to see hot women! On the other hand, women want the total package of sexiness. The good-looks help, but there is more to it, more emotions, more the way a man makes a woman FEEL - that makes him sexy.

Maxim's Hot 100 really isn't hard to judge. Just like college brackets, we take women and put them head-to-head with one another and decide which one is the hottest. Single elimination, the hottest moves on until there is only one. Then we crown her the hottest thing on the planet. By "we" I mean other men - I had to do research on the voting scheme.

Sexiest Man Alive is a whole other story; just look at Johnny Depp, Hugh Jackman, and Me. All equally sexy and could take the title, but all for very different reasons. Johnny is 46 and a father, slight build, but is "mesmerizing".  Hugh Jackman is multi-talented and complex. The ultimate in rugged good looks and bad-assery. Then there is me - I would never comment on how unbelievably attractive, suave, or humble I am. That would be tacky. Instead I will say, I have some good qualities that stack up to Captain Jack and The Wolverine. But, it's not easy to say who truly is the Sexiest Man Alive.

While I was out on a date with my luscious wife, we went to see Eclipse. Obviously I'm on Team Jacob. Sharkboy is all stout and a is a bad ass now that he grew up (all 5 feet of him). Nelly has been on the fence for while, but after seeing the 3rd movie she is committed to Team Edward. That was when this all came to me - I'm on Team Jacob because I see ripped, tanned werewolf as opposed to a tall, lanky, pale vampire. Nelly is all about Edward because he's handsome enough, but the way he speaks and his chivalrous attitude towards Bella is what set him apart.

The battle lines were drawn before the premiere of any of these Twilight movies. Women and girls have strong allegiances to their respective teams. This struck me odd since Jacob is so much more visually appealing and Edward is much more the romantic. I would imagine that to write a romantic character would be easier than a hunky 16 year old boy.

I pledge to you all, my committed fans, to find out the truth. I have all 4 books in possession. I will read them all and study how Edward and Jacob are written. Something isn't adding up. With this take on visual-stimulation versus emotional-ties it is easy to make sense of it on the screen. I need to find out how it was done in the book. Somewhere in there lies the code of what women desire. If a book written by a woman for teenage girls that is based on vampires and werewolves doesn't have the answer to what women want....I dare say no book will have that answer.

A war is brewing. Make sure you're on the right side.

P.S. Many thanks to Dallas for sending me down this path. I'm sure that if I decipher the key to the needs of women and strike it rich with a best-seller you will sue me for royalties - I wouldn't expect anything less.