Twilight: I Have No Idea what I'm Talking About

Right off the bat I have to say a few things:

1. In the words of a teenage girl, "the movie doesn't do the book justice"
2. Bella's inner dialogue does not match anything that she actually says
3. My formula of understanding women is completely wrong

I've read over 200 pages of the first book [and watched the first 2 movies....again]. If you remember, this was all part of my master plan to finally understand what women find attractive and/or sexy. My theory had to do with the emotional content of a man being the basis of attraction, not pure sexual/physical/animalesque gravity that draws men to women. I also mentioned something about "reachers." I hypothesized that men "reach" for women that are too physically attractive for them and women "settle" on a not-classically-handsome man that is sensitive to their needs. Obviously I have no idea what I'm talking about - reading as much of Twilight as I could stomach proved me dead-ass wrong.

From the very beginning of the story, Bella is CRAZY infatuated with Edward. He is so beautiful, helplessly attractive, flawless in every way, yada, yada, yada....So, I learned quick my theory was crap. Women/girls that read this book are all about how unbelievably good looking this 17 year old vampire is. And to add to my flawed theory, Edward is a HUGE A-hole to Bella! All they do is argue. She looks at him like he is the meaning to life and he literally wants to eat her - but all they do is take verbal jabs at each other every chance they get.

Not only do I not get women, I clearly have no idea what a teenage girl finds attractive either. I guess from what I read, if you are a handsome kid with nice skin, you can be a jerk. I think that this actually carries over from the teen years into early women-hood. From there, it grows stronger and stronger. You see, the urban dictionary defines jerk this way:

The kind of guy most girls ACTUALLY want when they say they want a Nice Guy. Jerks are selfish, manipulative bastards who see women as little more then sexual conquests to brag about to their buddies or mere objects that are there for their personal pleasure. As to ensure the post-sex breakup will be in their favor, Jerks often play the "sensative guy" early on so the girl will make most of the moves on HIM, and after he's done with her and dumps her for some other girl just like her, he can make it look like she's at fault for coming on too strong, and consequently she'll take him back if he chooses to return for seconds.

It is easy to understand why we have so many nuclear and aeronautical physicists and not very many Experts-of-the-Female-Mind. Everything that is said and done is in code. The code is somehow imprinted into the minds of baby girls at birth. All women (regardless of age, ethnicity, location) know the code. Men that have been around women long enough can get small pieces, but this comes at a very high price. Here are some examples of the code:

1. "FINE": This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of "those" arguments.
2. "FIVE MINUTES": This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you pay attention to her again, so it's usually an even trade.
3. "NOTHING": This means "something" and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and will end with the word "Fine".
4. "GO AHEAD" (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
5. "GO AHEAD" (Normal Eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine", and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

I didn't even know these 5! I had to steal them from Carlos Xuma. I don't agree with what his site is selling, but I do think he's on to something with those descriptions.

The code is only part of the mystery. If men somehow are able to decipher the code, they still don't understand what the crap is going on. So it's best to apologize to women every chance you get. You may not know why, but they sure as hell know when, where, and how you messed up and can re-live it in vivid detail. They can can also let you know when you'll do something stupid in the future - it's amazing that they can't predict earthquakes or winning lotto numbers. Just a thought....

Men, by contrast, are the simplest of all creatures that God has created. We have some basic thoughts: food, sex, sleep, sex, sports, sex. That's it. And the sports part is seasonal. That is the formula to understanding 99.9 percent of all men on this planet. Most of us also mean what we say. When you ask us how our day was and we say "fine" we mean that nothing went wrong and we still have a job. When you ask how dinner was and we say "good" we mean that it was delicious but that is too many syllables to be used to answer a question like that.

I've also found that word meanings are different between women and men. "Healthy." Zergio's wife, Zara, was under the weather and when she was coming out of it, he said "Wow Zara, you're looking better..ya know, healthy." He has never forgotten it - because no female will allow him to. This was a compliment to the love of his life. Somewhere in the translation from man-to-woman she heard "Wow Zara! You look like a blue-ribbon-heifer!" I still don't know how this  happened; but I have never told Nelly that she looks "healthy."

I was talking with Dusty the other day about "bunko". From what I gather this is a game used by women to get together, get drunk, and talk about sex. The game also goes by the name "drunko" for that matter. Women actually have to plan to do this! Men need NO excuse to get together, get drunk, and talk about sex. We call this work. Or hangin with the fellas. Or BBQ'ing. Or fixing the car. Or lunch. Or painting the house. Men can get together with no plans, end up drunk, and relive the glory days in the blink of an eye.

So different in so many ways. I'm not sure who is reaching and/settling if anyone at all. I don't know what women want or find attractive. I am clearly lost on teenage girls. I don't know how a 17 year old vampire that is 200 years old can stay in high school year after year. I don't know how to play bunko. I would venture that most men are in the same place as me - we have no clue why our women stay with us, but we know why we stick around: BREASTESES.

To all my male compatriots, I wish you well on your journey. May you never say the wrong thing, look the wrong way, wear the wrong shirt, say the wrong thing, or compliment the wrong body part. I would say "live long and prosper," but with the odds stacked against you, I say, "Die a good death."