Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Homeland Security

I have a great friend whom we shall call Art Vandelay. Now then, Art won't admit it, but he loves me like I love cake. Not the homo-erotic love that many of you are afraid of, but a brotherly love. He's always been there to give me advice, both sound and ludicrous. He has stood by every one of my decisions, both good and bad. Any one that knows Art knows a few things about him: he eats too many beans, he can be aggressive, and he will protect what he loves with a fierceness that is second only to Batman.

You may recall Art from my Moving Day story. He was my roommate that had me evicted. Before he sent me out on my own, we had shared an apartment for 2 years. I have more stories about Art than I do about Bobbert Creamer. To protect his identity and to make sure I don't get him in trouble, I will only tell you about a few. The mystery and intrigue will keep him all the more interesting.

These stories take place while we were living in The OC.

Being the great son that I am, I used to drive up to see my parents on weekends. Like any typical Saturday, I got dressed and gathered some belongings for my trek to the Inland Empire (SHOUT TO MONTCLAIR!). I had told Art I was going to see my parents and headed out the door. I pulled out of the parking lot when I realized that I had forgotten my phone. I turned right back into the complex and headed for my home. My apartment. My living quarters. My place of safety.

I opened the front door and walked around the corner to grab my phone from my room. What happened next couldn't be scripted and couldn't be made up (I'm not that talented). As I turn the corner I am greeted by Art and Louie. Louie was the baseball bat that he slept with under his bed. This was our home security system. Like Babe Ruth, Art had wound up and was gonna let one fly upside my head. With my cat-like reflexes I dove out of the way. Truth be told, I think Art hesitated for 1/2 a second when his brain registered that I was a friend and not a foe – that didn’t stop him from swinging. The best part, Art didn't apologize to me - he yelled at me.

Art: What the hell are you doing here!?!

Famous Ray: I LIVE here

Art: You're supposed to be at your mom's house! OOOOOH...You're lucky you didn't get one to your head!

This story gets better. From the time it took me to open the door and walk 12 feet to the corner, Art had already devised 2 plans. Not only that, he had made a decision on which plan was best. He put that plan into action. In about 1 second, this ran through his head:

Some dirty bastards are breaking into my house! They think they can come in here and steal my stuff?! NOT ON MY WATCH BUDDY. I have Louie in here with me...and they don't know I'm home. I can sneak out the back [Art's room opened to the patio. The patio opened to the street/sidewalk].  I need to interject here: When I first heard this story, I thought "wow...Art was gonna leave and call the police or security" - I was wrong. Then I can sneak around real low to the front door. I'll hide around the corner. Then the first person I see coming out of the apartment with my stuff, I'm gonna take Louie and BREAK HIS KNEE CAPS. That will clog the front door and I can takeout whoever is behind him since he won’t be able to get out. Hmm…On second thought, I might get arrested for doing that. Maybe I can just hide in my room and wait for one of those rat bastards to come this way and I will take Louie upside their head. Then it will be considered Self Protection. Ok, I'm going with the second option.

I somehow survived that day.

This extreme feeling to protect was not only bound to our living quarters. Art is a true patriot and will protect the U.S. against all threats; both foreign and domestic. Because of this, I always had to stay home when Art was flying. You see, he doesn’t like to fly. He’s not scared of flying, but it does get his Agent Orange to acting up. When flying in either direction (inbound or outbound) I stayed at home waiting for a call from the Orange County Sheriff’s Department. I knew it was only a matter of time till Art saw something that he thought was off and jumped into action . It would be my duty to get him out of jail when this happened.

This almost happened twice.

Art was flying back from Northern California. This is a short trip, but you never know what may happen and I didn’t want this to be the day Art was detained and I wasn’t around to pick him up. As the story goes, Art was anxious because he was on a plane. As they are making their descent, the guy next to him decides to turn on his cell phone; Art was not having this.

Art: I was sitting there and the guy next to me decides to turn his phone on – I think he may be a terrorist.

Famous Ray: Was he Middle-Eastern?

Art: a white guy.

Famous Ray: a white guy.

Art: a white guy. I don't discriminate.

Famous Ray: What happened?

Art: We were still in the air and getting closer to the airport and this dipshit turns on his phone.

Famous Ray: Did you think it was a remote detonation device to blow up the plane?

Art: I did…then I thought that was ridiculous. So, I figured he was calling his homies to let them know we were close enough for them to take us out. Like with a Surface-to-Air Missile.

Famous Ray: Yeah, that makes more sense. What did you do?

Art: I leaned over and told him “Um….I don’t think we can have those on right now. You better turn it off.”

Famous Ray: What did he do?

Art: He turned it off. But I didn’t trust him. So I tailed him.

Famous Ray: You tailed him.

Art: I tailed him.

Famous Ray: For how long?

Art: 20 minutes. I followed him around to see if he was meeting up with any other suspicious characters. I took a mental note of what he was wearing.

Famous Ray: Why did you do that?

Art: So when I reported him, I could give a complete description.

Famous Ray: You reported him?

Art: I reported him. After 20 minutes of following him, I found two deputies and gave them the run down and his description.

Famous Ray: Good thinking!

Art: Yeah, I don’t trust that bastard.

To Art, it was just another day. Nothing odd or out of place. Just doing what anyone would do. During a flight back to the OC from visiting his family, Art got a little jumpy and was ½ a second away from laying someone out. This is a much longer flight so there was a whole lot of time for something to go wrong. I always worried during these flights. He made it back to our apartment that day without incident, but this is conversation we had when he got home:

Art: Dude. I almost had to take somebody out on the plane.

Famous Ray: On the way there or on your way home?

Art: On the way back….on this last flight.

Famous Ray: What happened!?

Art: Well, what had happened was….I was sitting in the wing aisle. You know the seat that has the emergency door? Has the extra leg space? I like that seat so I can stretch my legs and not worry about some bastard getting mad about me kicking his stuff or someone leaning his seat back into me. I hate that ISH. Well, I was sitting there, right, and the captain came on and said something stupid about looking out the right side of the plane. You know how I feel about planes, so I just sat there. But this Indian-looking dude got up and started walking around.

Famous Ray: Indians are our allies….

Art: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! Well this terrorist-looking guy…

Famous Ray: better…

Art: He starts walking around the plane! Like he was on a Sunday stroll! He came over by me and was starting to walk towards the door to look outside.

Famous Ray: What did you do?

At this Point, Art went into demonstration mode…

Art: I was sitting like this and had a magazine up like I was reading. I wasn’t reading. I was watching him. I kept my eyes on him and with one hand I unbuckled my seat reeeeeaaaaaly slow so that it wouldn’t make a sound. I left it unbuckled but I didn’t take it completely off – so it looked like I was still buckled in.  I wanted to have the element of surprise in case I had to go into action. So I slouched real low in my seat and kept watch. I’m telling you, had he sneezed it would have been GO TIME! He’s lucky he didn’t have to scratch his nose or have the hick-ups. He was going down if he moved.

I already knew the answer to this next question, but I couldn’t help but ask…

Famous Ray: Did you have a plan? Did you know how you were gonna take him down?

Art: You bet your ass I did!

Famous Ray: Were you going to kick him in the knee? Choke him from the back and wrestle him down?

Still in demonstration mode, this was his answer, no fabrication, no lies, all Art:

Art: Well, see how I’m slouched way down in my seat? I did that to get into position to pounce. This was my plan: I was going to slide out of my chair, drop to knee, then give him a forearm shiv to the [weebles], like a forearm uppercut; then I was gonna yell and grab him by his weebles and the back of his neck and SLAM HIM INTO THE WALL…Then I was going to scrape him against the wall then up to the ceiling over my head then SLAM HIM TO THE GROUND…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

Famous Ray: You know…you can’t extend your hands over your head on plane.

Art: Yeah

Famous Ray: Scrape against the wall…over your head…then a WWF press slam to the ground. Was he a small guy?

Art: No, he was about as big as you.

Much like The Boy, Art believes he’s as strong as the Hulk. When he looks into the mirror he sees Thor, only better looking.

Famous Ray: Good plan

Art: Yeah, I think so too. I call it SHOCK AND AWE. The “shock” was the scream in the face while I scraped him across the plane. Had to keep him off his game.

I have not embellished any of these stories or conversations. These are as accurate as I can completely recall. Unfortunately, these are all the stories I can tell about Art. To go any further may reveal his true identity. That would represent a clear and present danger to the security of our nation. I still talk to Art almost every day. He is one of the best pseudo-big-brothers any one could ever have - just be sure never to board a plane with him.

2 comments:

  1. I know Art,he is a simple man and has a huge heart. To see Art in person you would never think he could hurt a fly let alone think that he could take down a terrorist. In his mind he can. HA
    Two things that I will always remember about Art is his cool leather chair and his love for his favorite super hero AQUA MAN!

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  2. OMG Ray you have almost found your equal!

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