The Married Life

I may have seen 1 or 2 pornography movies. Total. During my time in the Army. I do not believe that porn has led to the depravity of our nation or is only viewed by the mentally deranged - that would be reality TV. I do, however, blame the porn industry (those 1 or 2 movies specifically) for ruining my view of marriage.

Those 1 or 2 movies from back during the military days, a long long time ago, were the only frame of reference I had on the glorious union that is marriage. This example of what I believed married people do twisted my thoughts of how my life would be lived.

Let me explain. When I asked Nelly to marry me, I had envisioned a few things. For example, I had always imagined that she would make breakfast every day with her make-up perfectly applied, every hair in its place, wearing a g-string, high heels and an apron. In my mind she would have her hair up in a tight bun, her apron would be off-white, trimmed in red, and her heels a glossy black. Every morning for 1 1/2 years I was hoping to see this. I would roll out of bed, run down stairs, and hope that today was the day. That day never happened.

Another day that never happened was Nelly waiting for me to come home during lunch while she was walking around completely nude doing chores - doing the dishes, folding laundry, making beds, maybe doing yoga. I ate lunch everyday at the house for the first 11 months of our blessed union. That's a lot of PB-N-J

I figured that if lunch wasn't the meal of choice for my beautiful wife, then surely when I came home from a long day of modern slavery, she'd great me in lingerie for dinner. Not just any lingerie. A sheer black chemise, matching g, a black garter belt, complete with thigh-highs: a real classy look.

That day didn't happen either.

Porn was obviously not a reflection of marriage. If I may, art was NOT imitating life. Not only was I completely wrong about what marriage entailed, I found out a few things along the way. I have been married now for 7-10 years; that doesn't make me an authority but it does mean I have experience. Believe me when I say that there is NO substitute for experience. For those of you that are not married or are just in the beginning...you should know that things change when the honeymoon is over.

Here is what married life has taught me:

1. Good-bye SPIKE TV, hello OXYGEN Channel
2. You must trade in all "Jason Bourne" type movies and purchase chickflicks
1. The Notebook
2. A Walk to Remember
3. Beaches
3.  You can set your DVR for "The Deadliest Warrior" but you never see any episodes because the DVR is full with recordings of "Bridezillas", "The Real House Wives of [insert location here]", and "Dr. Phil"
4. The best way to never have sex is to have children
5. NEVER have a "guys night out" because this means that she will have "girls night out" and hers will be better than yours
6. NEVER speak to another woman other than your mother and sometimes your sister
7. No matter the size of bed you are sleeping in, you will never have enough room. She will be able to sprawl out in any direction she chooses
8. Lingerie will not make its way to the bedroom. Instead be prepared for ugly, over-sized flannels in the winter...and the summer because she likes to keep the A/C on all night
9. After a week of marriage, she no longer feels the need to shave her legs
10. Or do her makeup
11. Or do her hair
12. Or dress up
13. Ever
14. Unless she is having a girls night out
15. Then she will shave herself to resemble a hairless chihuahua
16. And make an appointment for her makeup
17. And to color her hair
18. And to style her hair
19. And buy a new outfit
20. That she will never wear for you
21. The breakfast of eggs, sausage, pancakes, hash browns and freshly squeezed orange juice is out. Frosted Flakes are in
22. Friday and Saturday nights are no longer clubbin-till-the-clothes-fall-off nights. They are now we-have-to-do-laundry-and-give-the-kids-baths-and-put-them-in-their-jammas nights
23. All of your friends are stupid.....because she says they are
24. Taking a shower together really means just taking a shower together
25. The sports car doesn't fit the family so it's time for a swagger-wagon
26. The party used to start at 11:00, now you're in bed by 9:00
27. You have to lie about watching cartoons and buying toys by saying it's all for your son
28. You'll have to see NKOTB in concert
29. Everything is a test
30. EVERYTHING
31. IS
32. A
33. TEST
34. This includes when she says "are you sure?"
35. When she says she's "cold" or "hot" you have to turn on the fan, or grab a blanket, or turn on/off the AC...even though you are perfectly comfortable
36. Porn does not reflect marriage

For those of you that are in the honeymoon stage, heed this advice: RIDE THAT ISH TILL THE WHEELS FALL OFF! For those of you that are newly married, but the honeymoon is over, take comfort in this: The 1st year is truly the hardest. This is when you are really getting to know each other and the dating life is slowing down. She will gradually stop doing those things that she used to catch you. She has the ring now and won.

The married life is a splendid thing. I love my married life with children. I wouldn't know what do if I had a bank account full of money. Or a luxury, sports car. Or the freedom to travel the world at any given moment. I mean, who wants to go to Brazil? Who wants to be known as walking cougar-bait? Who wants to have cold pizza for breakfast?

I hope that this post was not only helpful, but also insightful. I give away these gems of enlightenment as a free public service. Take them as you will; I am here to change the world 1 post at a time.