Monday, October 29, 2012

The Big Deuce: Bathroom Etiquette Revisited

Maybe you remember my first set of rules about potty time. I had done a great service by informing the masses on how to act while in the restroom. I will not say that this fell on deaf ears....only that I didn't fully understand just how jacked up men can be while in the throne room.

Did I ever tell you the story of me peeing in college? No, you say? Well then! Here it is:
I was a freshman...young and sassy...maybe ready to experiment... I had an early morning class (classic freshman mistake). The campus was dead on this particular morning. I had the urge for a onesie and walk into the mens' restroom. It was very clean and completely empty. There must have been 20 urinals all lined up (no divider) so I step up to the 4th one. Again, it's empty so I figure that I don't have to go to the far end. I unzip, relax, and settle in. I write my name then go into some math; I had drank a lot of water that morning. It must have been a complex problem that I was working because I didn't even notice that someone else has walked in...I am unaware of his presence...until....HE PULLS UP RIGHT NEXT TO ME! 19 other urinals and 10 stalls...he pulls up right next to me! With no divider!!!
I graduated in October of 2000. That day in 1998 still haunts me.
I have a good buddy whom we shall call Mico Barrio. Mico and I don't see each other often, but when we do it's high-fives, fist bumps, chest bumps, maybe a hug, or a butt slap here and there. A very manly type of friendship. He lives in Hot-Lanta and I'm in The Big D. Last week Mico is in town and we're hanging out, talking ish, and generally having a good time. I have to go onesies and make my way to the restroom. About 5 minutes later, Mico walks in. We DO NOT acknowledge one another. Absolutely NO eye contact. I finish my business, wash my hands, and head out the door. A few minutes later Mico arrives and we pick up right where we left off.

THIS IS HOW IT WORKS! If a man is dropping a deuce or writing his name in pee, DO NOT BOTHER HIM. Unless a madman Muhammed Ali has entered the building, there is no reason for a bathroom conversation between men. Ever. Mico is from the South! The Dirty Dirty.  I'm from the WESSS SIIIIDE! This is a universal law; it DOES NOT change based on geo within the United States.

This brings me to FLAGGING. The only items that a man should ever have in a restroom is a newspaper or a magazine. It doesn't matter what section of the paper nor does it matter the type of magazine. Those are the ONLY items any man should have in the potty. We all have "smartphones" and are used to quick access to our world. I understand that you want to read this blog while you're dropping off kids at the pool, or maybe check your facebook timeline, maybe form a quick tweet. Do not do it! It can wait. Because if you take that phone in there, you'll take that phone out of the stall and place it on the table. Or worse, let someone else use it to make a quick call.

I don't know if this next one is a millennial thing....but amongst the millennial men...they not only flag their phones...they take calls mid-stream! They facebook while letting it loose in the urinal. Tweet and form emails while their shaft is in hand. I'd like to say something to them, maybe punch them in the face, but then I would be violating the law of not speaking to another man while in the rest room.

The phone is just one part of the puzzle. What about the iPod/iPad/Tablet? What if a dude is flagging all of his technology??? What if that iPad you were using for Angry Birds has spent some time in the deuce room? What if that Kindle was used in place of a real newspaper - what if that's its main function!?! And here it sits...on the coffee table.

I cannot speak for the women, but neither can I imagine ladies bringing items into the bathroom stall. Reading, tweeting, facebooking, talking on the phone while sitting on the throne - women don't do that! I just don't see a mom fleeing to the bathroom for a moment's peace and staying in there longer than needed just to get away from everyone - Doesn't happen. I do understand that women can, and do, talk to each other while in the restroom. They fix hair, reapply make up, adjust boobs, talk bad about their's what women do.

Gentlemen, let's take a queue from the ladies. Don't bring anything into restroom unless it's staying in there. Don't talk to me or even look at me if we happen to be in the same public restroom. Don't feel that you need to answer phone calls, read email, text, facebook, tweet, or check-in while in mid-stream or doing poopies. You can wait. And so can we.

Cyberpace, keep it sanitary.

You're welcome


  1. While we agree on most things, I gotta tell you that my smartphone is a must for caca's. For nĂºmero uno I agree, no need for anything - just get business done. But for caca's I take my time. Can get work done, play games, text, FB, etc without any interference at all besides the intermittent flushing sounds...

    1. Agreed, the trick is to mute your phone... so that your epic ringtown doesn't give it away.....that or the fact your the only adult still wearing chuck taylor converse allstar shoes at work ;P

  2. In today's society, men are not the only one taking smartphones, iPads, gadgets to the crapper room while talking care of business. I have witness women time and time again, facebooking, looking and posting in pinterest, tweeting, texting, reading and responding to emails both personal and business.

    Sad to say but we are no longer in man land but a melting pot of both.

  3. No touching on the sanitary needs of the modern day heinie? If you aren't spraying it down you might as well be butt slapping the last hariry arse that laid waste to it...

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