Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Deuces Wild

We have found ourselves in the middle of a war, gentlemen. The battle lines have been drawn and we need to choose sides. There will be casualties...Oh, there MUST be casualties. I am speaking about bathroom etiquette, or lack of, that is displayed in America today. Gone are the days when we can just walk into a public/group restroom and handle business without a second thought. The things that we have taken for granted have been turned on their heads. This may very well lead to the moral demise of a once might nation: Man Land.

I have noticed an alarming increase in the number of bathroom conversations. We are not talking about sports scores between urinals or passing the newspaper between stalls. We are talking about phone calls in the potty. Just the other day, I found myself sitting down for a rousing game of solitaire when all of a sudden I hear someone walk in, pull up in the next stall, on a conference call. It is happening all the time! These people are not just listening in; they are active participants with multiple people on the line. They dial-in, walk in to the stall, then proceed to unbuckle, drop pants, sit down, hunker in and go on with business as usual. This of course leaves me in a bad spot. What if I had pepperoni pizza with jalapenos that day? What if I'm on a 2-day cleanse? What if I had bad Chinese for lunch? I'm sure that you can all see the problem here. Am I to knock on the wall and let him know he needs to mute? Do I try a courtesy flush? Do I try to hold it all in until he's done and gone? What are the ground rules for phone calls when you're dropping off kids at the pool??!

There are just some things that shouldn't happen in a Mens Room and that is one of them. The other is the peeing while on the cell phone (this includes bluetooth). Also something that shouldn't happen is the "Superman" in front of the urinal. You can't just stand there looking forward with your hands on your hips like bullets are bouncing off your chest. And....NEVER DO THE ONE-HAND SUPERMAN, ON HAND CELL PHONE COMBO!

I never thought that I would have to actually write down the Potty Rules; I had assumed that these were being passed down father-to-son in the same fashion as Miyagi-Do karate. Yet, here I sit explaining how men should conduct themselves in the restroom. I am not talking about the 1-seater at your house or the single stall rooms that can be found at Starbucks. I am talking about a real Mens Room - multiple thrones to include a handi-capable spot and at least 3 urinals.

Urinal Rules:
  1. Always take the urinal farthest away from the door
  2. If that one is taken, you go to the urinal that is farthest away from the 1 person in there i.e. the one next to the door
  3. If both urinals at the far ends are taken, you may only use an open urinal if there will be a 1 urinal separation between you and the other person
  4. If there are open urinals but you will be next-to, or in-between, then you must pee in an open stall
  5. Never "Superman" a urinal
  6. Never be on a call while in front of the urinal
  7. Never lean over the urinal and lay one hand on the wall
  8. Feel free to write your name or do some simple math
  9. Peeing into a trough negates the freedom to write your name or do math problems
  10. If your cell phone rings, wait till after you shake off, zip up, flush, washed and dried your hands, and left the Mens Room before answering
Rules of taking open urinals may be modified while at the movies or sporting events - this does not give carte blanche to pull up next to someone if there are other open spots. Let's use some sense here!

Stall Rules
  2. Leave the handicapable stall for last, but feel free to use it
  3. Always flush when done
  4. If you had spicy food, lead with the courtesy flush
These rules have been in place since the first multi-stall bathroom was invented. There we have it! Simple, easy to follow rules that should exercised at all times.

I know that women (I should say "moms") are not really understanding all of these rules. They pee with babies on their laps. They have family meetings while dropping a deuce. They can be in there on the phone with their mom, bff, cable tv guy, or anyone else. They don't view any of what was just outlined as simple rules needed to keep the balance of man in check. They see it as "stupid stuff that guys do and they need to get over it."

I am not asking women to understand these rules. I am reaching out to men. Real men understand the underlying issue. Real men know that something needs to change. Real men read newspapers on the pot, they don't chat about days events. It's time to put the man back into the Mens Room.


  1. Hilarious as ever, but I wonder if using the word "potty" might be taking the man out of manly? Just saying.

  2. I have to agree with Katrina Chinche....All you said was good except for using the word potty. Keep in up manito!

  3. What about recognizing my shoes under the stall door and thinking it's OK to start a conversation? The last thing I want is to associate the few moments of 'me' time I hold dear with some random wanting to talk about margins. Sheesh!

  4. I defintley prefer using the term, "head" "restroom" bathroom" mens-room". you can't say "potty" or "little boys room" or "washroom". And of course if a lady is not present then it is called the "throne room" or "s*#^er" or "think-tank" or any other derogatory term you feel at the time.
    -2 pennies

  5. 1. have always taken my conf calls in the bathroom. the Mute button was invented for this. plus you have total concentration. as you know Miyagi would say - stay focus

    2. potty? really? pi**er or shi**er are more appropriate.

    3. courtesy flushes are definitely key - in any situation, anywhere, anytime

    4. Never ever talk to someone/have discussion while pi**ing next to them; that's just wrong

    5. i'm actually ok with stall to stall discussions. only just after a pinch

    good job though, Daniel-son