Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Trade Secrets

I'm disclosing sensitive information today. This may label me as a "Benedict Arnold" or a "miscreant" or a plain "fink." Today we are discussing the Top 10. I've heard of this mythical list during my travels around the world - whispers in seedy bars; knowing looks traded across dark rooms; drunk ramblings while visiting the jiggly room. We are talking about the list of Top 10 Women that men keep in their heads.

I don't have such list so I can't write about this from a first-hand account. I'll have to do my best to report my findings. The first of which is that EVERY MAN (besides me) HAS A TOP 10 LIST.

What is this list exactly, you ask? From what I gather, it's an eclectic collection of celebrity females. This is finding number 2 (hehehe "number 2"), THE LIST CANNOT CONSIST OF ANY ONE YOU KNOW PERSONALLY. This is extended to friends of friends, minor/local celebrities, cousins - none of them can make the TOP 10.

Here is an example of a TOP 10. Keep in mind that this is not my list. This is a make-believe list being used for instructional purposes only. This list is NOT in any order:
  1. Cheryl Burke
  2. Tyra Banks
  3. Ema Watson
  4. Kim Kardashian
  5. Constance Marie
  6. Taylor Swift
  7. Ashley Greene
  8. Meagan Good
  9. Natalie Portman
  10. Salma Hayek
Since this is not my list and I only have eyes for Nelly, I cannot tell you why anyone would find those ladies attractive. But with my keen eye I can see the differences. This is finding number 3: THE TOP 10 SHOULD BE A MIX WITH NO SEEN PATTERN. In the above list we see a lot of different features - tall, short, curvy, slender, dark, light, brown, blonde, brunette. Besides that they are all women, nothing is the same. From what I have heard, this is the beauty of the list.

Now, let's take this list for example:
  1. Nelly
  2. Eva Longoria
  3. Shakira
  4. Rosario Dawson
  5. Vida Guerra
  6. Jennifer Lopez
All latina. Can't be a true Top 10 - this is more of a Hot Latin Ladies list. How can I tell? Because my hot wife is number 1!

Some other interesting finds reveal that women also have a list. They crafty at hiding the existence of their list. A common man will say things like "she's hot" or "jinkies! she's hot" or "did you see her? She's hot." Women, on the other hand, will disguise their attraction with a mix of words. Here are somethings that you may hear a woman say: Classically Handsome, Ruggedly Handsome, Exotic,  Good-looking, Distinguished, Athletic, Strong, Boy-Next-Door, Virile, Vigorous...

Women are very protective of their lists - just look at Team Edward vs Team Jacob. A woman's list is even more varied than most mens. Let's take this example:
  1. Famous Ray
  2. Zac Efron
  3. The Rock
  4. Robert Pattinson
  5. Joey Mcintyre
I don't know how all these men could all be on a list. I only know that it's a SEXY MAN list because I'm on it. 

The last, and most important, finding is NEVER DISCLOSE YOUR LIST TO YOUR MATE. Under NO circumstance should you feel compelled to tell your mate the degree of hotness of another person. Women will bait you, "She's hot huh?" or "Do you think she's pretty? I think she's pretty." Women are masters of manipulation and should never be trusted. Everything is a test. Everything.Is.A.Test.

This Public Service Announcement has been made possible by my adoring fans and multitude of haters.

YOU ARE WELCOME CYBERSPACE!

1 comment:

  1. Jinkies. Now I am wondering why my husband told me his celeb #1 is Winona Ryder because she is a small stick skinny brunette... Wait a minute! I am a small stick skinny brunette!!! What the.....

    ReplyDelete